Chazara

Backtrack a bit: to where I discuss speech therapy. There was a key player in this scenario that I forgot to mention: my mother. Apperently, she spent HOURS working with me at home on speech therapy -- speaking, reading, understanding. She tells me that in the beginning, I could not make the connection between the letters and sounds I was learning and reading. She would repeat with me over and over again:
c - a - t , c - a - t , c - a - t , c - a - t , until finally I made the connection between the three sounds of c - a - t , and read it as cat. From then on, she tells me, I read like wildfire. I couldn't, wouldn't stop. I guess that is sort of like the story of Helen Keller when she finally understood that the fingershapes and movements that Annie Sullivan was making was COMMUNICATION.

BTW, I work for American Friends of Shalva, a fundraising office that raises money for Shalva, a non profit organization in Israel that helps disabled children. Shalva came into being due to the story of Yossi.

Ok,, that was just an aside. My story continues...

I remember in second grade was when it began to become apparent that I was not keeping up with my classmates. My parents began having meetings with my teacher to try and understand what the problem was. No one really understood. The fact that I could NOT HEAR was masked by my SEEMINGLY ableness -- I "passed" for hearing, I spoke really well, it was hard for anyone to believe that I really was disabled.

The interesting thing though, is that I was never held back, nor given remedial help, or placed in special classes. Everyone, teachers, and parents, recognized the truth about my intelligence: I was very definitely intelligent. But I did not do particualry well in school -- I was passed from grade to grade because they did not really know what to do with me otherwise. My grades were not POOR, just very middling, and not indicative of my intelligence.

In the meantime my social awkwardness continued. I felt very left out, I hated being teased. I was lumped with the other "rejects" in my school when it came time for recess. And most of those rejects, really had learning problems. Several were retarded (the word we used back then, not learning disabled), or had other deficits that were much more serious than mine -- and NONE of them were my intellectual equal. I HATED being forced to socialize with these kids. I was so superior to them and I knew it and I let them know it.

This is how most of my schooling through elementary school passed. Then I entered Junior High School (grade 7 through 9). Was I ever shocked. I had been quite sheltered, and was very naive. In Jr. High I encountered kids smoking cigarettes for the first time. I encountered kids smoking dope, drinking, and having sex. Some girls got pregnant - -and came to school pregnant! Now kids were outright mean and nasty -- and scary.

It was common for kids to beat one another up. I stayed away from most of this. I did not smoke (anything) or drink or have sex. For one thing, it was something that BAD kids did, and for another no one would have accepted me into their little clique-y groups anyway. I was STILL a reject. Boys made fun of me, girls laughed at me, others ignored me, even teachers were stupid to me. (Wth the exception of all my English teachers, and one really excellent math teacher).

Then, in the summer before I entered ninth grade I discovered CLOTHING, Fashion, Jewelry, Make-Up, Shopping, Fashion magazines. I became a fiend for fashion. I was a real clothes horse, I was skinny and EVERYTHING I put on looked good on me. I got a great haircut and began dressing really nicely for school. It was in this year that the amount of ostracism I felt lessened a bit. It was a BAD lesson. My self esteem now centered around my appearance.

I badgered my parents to buy me this, buy me that, I had to have the latest fashions. I also had expensive taste. It was said that I dressed as if my father OWNED IBM, was not just an employee. I was spoiled. My husband tells me my parents did it out of guilt for my disability. Maybe...I am not so sure.

It was also around this time that I was becoming even more active in my shul's youth group, USY (United Synagogue Youth, a Conservative movement youth group). Even within this group I was ostracized somewhat. But it did not discourage me. I just kept being myself -- needy, greedy, and wearing my heart on my sleeve. (I still do that last bit...).

I was an 'upstart' in the group. For instance, one evening we went out in a group event, roller skating. After the skating, the group went to a pizza place and ordered pizza. The pizza place was not kosher -- there were (and still are) NO kosher establishments in Kingston, NY and surrounding areas. I did not go for pizza. At the next USY meeting I brought this up. Is so happened that the Rabbi of our shul was attending our meeting. I brought it up saying that it was wrong, the charter of USY is the Charter of the Conservative shul and eating in a non Kosher establishment was not accepted, and thus wrong. Or course, I was the ONLY member who felt this way. In fact, I was attacked: after all, I do not keep Kosher at home, how dare I attack this. My response to that was that what I did at home, what I did in my private life has nothing whatsoever to do with what we do as a USY group. The Rabbi backed me up -- he stopped the argument and simply ruled that we cannot eat out in a Kosher establishment as a USY group. That certainly didn't earn me happy acceptance by my peers!!

Another for instance: a community (Jewish community) panel discussion was to occur. The subject: why our youth is not going to shul. Who was on the panel: The three local Rabbi's: Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, the two youth group presidents: Conservative, Reform, The thre shul presidents, plus two teachers (in the public school system).
The panel commenced. Each person on the panel put forth his/her "theory" about the reasons why the youth were not attending services in shul. Now, a word about me: I went to shul EVERY Friday night and most Saturday mornings. I was actively involved in my shuls' youth group, and I participated often in community wide Jewish events. I knew almost all the Jews in my community and if I did not know them personally, I knew who they were. Each of the Rabbi's spoke in politically correct and diplomatic terms. I did not expect to hear a real theory from any of them. Each of the other members of the panel postulated all sorts of stupid reasons. After each member of the panel had their say, the discussion was opened to the public in attendance. My hand shot up. I could not WAIT to speak. Finally, I was called on. I stood, took a deep breath and spoke. And here is what I said:

"Why do the youth (meaning my peers) not come to shul to pray? Well, let me tell you: it is NOT because services are boring. It is not because services are only for old men. It is because YOU (and I am not including the Rabbi's on the panel) do not come! Why should your children come if YOU do not come? Listen, I come to shul every Friday night and I am here most Shabbat mornings. Where are you, Mr. President of my shul? I never see you. And you, Mr. President of my USY-- I never see YOU. What right have you to sit there and pass judgement on us, on the youth when you yourselves do not come to shul? And you, Mr. Teacher and Mrs. Teacher? Do you know, I had NO IDEA either of you were Jewish? I see you in school but I have NEVER seen either of you at any Jewish community event! I think it is extremely hypocritical of you to sit there and discuss reasons why the youth do not attend shul. Cliche as it may sound, children DO learn what they live. My parents come to shul, therefore I come to shul. That;s all I have to say..."

And then I sat down. Well....chaos erupted. Everyone was shouting, everyone yelling -- they had to terminate the discussion. When I arrived home that night our phone was ringing off the hook. People calling my parents to exclaim about how I was so strong in my beliefs!!

It was fun!!! I sort of wish I could do stuff like that again. Kids can get away with what adults cannot.

Layla Tov.