Do deaf people not hear? or are they not "paying attention"?

This was my response to a post from a member complaining how her family always accuses her of not paying attention:

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I really wanted to respond to your comments about "shutting down" and your family thinking that "..you were not paying attention...". As an HOH person I well understand this. First of all, as an HOH person, if I want to get meaning from my life in terms of what I hear, it means I must ACTIVELY listen, all the time. ACTIVE listening is actually HARD work -- this is something that most hearing people do not understand. It is TIRING. Thus, I have found that even in the midst of a good party, I can become tired easily, and it is easier for us, than most, to slip into our own reverie, or even, horror of horrors, find ourselves nodding, when everyone else is talking! If you are surrounded by fast paced conversations (multiple conversations) it is hard to follow -- so the "shut down" effect occurs. This, in turn, leads others to believe that you are purposely "not paying attention". I am sure you understand all this. I just thought putting it into explicit words might help you find the words to explain to your family what you go through. I remember being told by my mother, that teachers would complain to her that I must be turning my HA's off, because I do not seem to be paying attention to them. I was shocked when she told me that -- because at no time do I remember purposely turning my HA's off -- even as a young child! In retrospect, I believe I may have "shut down" as a result of the enormous effort involved in active listening -- and thus appeared as if I were not "paying attention".