Crossroads

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately, about my life, what I am doing now, and what/where I want to be in the future. I have been saying for a very long time that I want to make aliyah.

My late husband, Barry and I had planned to make aliyah. We thought we might be able to do so after his youngest finished her Shana B'Aretz. But, unfortunately, that was not to be. My beloved Barry was taken from me before we could realize that dream.

But while that was a dream that we both shared, it was not a dream I lost -- in fact, after his death, the dream became more intensely desired. In fact, I had opened a file with Nefesh B'Nefesh in late 2009, thinking I might be able to make aliyah in August of 2010. But that was not to be. Upon being viciously sued by his ex wife and his four daughters, I had to put my plans on hold. They attempted to ruin me, to take away from me any and all chance of my ability to make aliyah, to live a comfortable life.

That litigation is finally coming to a close. Thank G-d, they did not succeed. Much happened in the intervening year, most of it really amazing, and wonderful. I know that Hashem's hashgacha pratis was the source of all my blessings this past year. My moving to Baltimore, being closer to my brother and his family, making all these amazing new friends, finding a nice apartment, and work that I enjoy, and belonging to a wonderful shul -- all these are the results of His Divine Providence.

About a month ago, I re-opened my file with Nefesh B'Nefesh. I am once again attempting to make aliyah. It is going to be quite an adventure, I can see that already. I am working to reawaken my ability to speak and understand Hebrew. I am teaching myself new words, working to increase my vocabulary. I am reading and perusing sites in Hebrew to acclimate myself to READING Hebrew.

I am also considering another change in my life. It is one that is not going to come easy to me, but one which I think I have to make.

Since mid summer 2010 I have been going contra dancing, several times a week. I love the dancing. But after about five months of dancing this much, I began to experience pain in my right hip/leg. I have a congenital "deformity" in my right side: the leg rotates outward more than it should, and does not have enough interior rotation. But despite this I walk normally -- because I trained myself to walk with my foot straight forward. The problem is that this means that under normal circumstances my leg muscles are working overtime to keep my leg straight. But when I dance, I am adding to that, to the already overstressed muscles, and they tire out quickly and become painful for me to move on. I saw an orthopedist about this issue and she told me that this can be fixed. She said it can be fixed either through physical therapy, or through surgery. She suggested we try PT first. So, I began PT several weeks ago. I have seen little to no improvement. Quite honestly, even though I believe that my physical therapist, Bill Amos is fantastic, I am skeptical that several weeks of PT can fix what is a congenital deformity. I expressed this to him and he understood that.

Now, if PT does not work, then that means I would need surgery to fix this. But, do I really want to do this? What I have been considering is this: to simply stop dancing, either altogether or just not so often. I know that if I stop dancing I will not have this pain. And then I would not need surgery. It will also be easier on my pocketbook. Dancing costs money: gasoline for my car, the wear and tear on my car (it is an hour each way for the Sunday night dances), and the fee to participate in the dance. Plus, even though I have health insurance, it is not going to cover 100% of the cost of the PT I am undergoing, nor will it cover the entire cost of the surgery. I do not really have the funds to deal with this. Plus, undergoing surgery in the coming year could impact my plans for making aliyah, negatively.

The downside to not dancing for me, is it takes me out of the social realm that I so enjoy, it also eliminates a strong source of physical exercise for me. Dancing, for me, in the past year has been a form of therapy for me. It has given me joy, and feelings of happiness and self esteem. All that is important to me.

Now there is yet another consideration. It is one which, I believe, many of my friends, family, and acquaintances might negate. It is this: the dancing I do is social dancing, mixed dancing -- men and women. In the frum community (religious, Jewish, orthodox) "mixed dancing" is generally frowned upon. We are told it is "assur" - forbidden. I do it anyway, with my own reasoning, and justification for why it is okay. Yet, I wonder - is Hashem telling me something when I feel pain after dancing? Perhaps all my justifications for this are for naught. One of my strongest justifications is that I need the exercise (I do) and I am not particularly good at doing exercise that I do not enjoy. But I LOVE dancing, ipso facto, I will DO IT!

So, it looks like I have some decisions to make. I would LOVE for any of my friends reading this to weigh in with their thoughts and suggestions. One thing: please do not suggest ZUMBA. I hate that.

Deaf people can't dance...says who???

Response to posting about the concept that deaf people can't dance:
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In an earlier post, I forget who posted, someone mentioned about the misconception that many people have that deaf people cannot dance. That is so true and I think my own mother must have swallowed that "bubbe meiseh" (Yiddish for Old Wives Tale).

As a child I only wanted dance lessons. My mother signed me up for Baton Twirling lessons. The teacher had decided before I began the class that I would not be able to do it because I could not hear. She was right -- she never made any accommodation for me(such as making sure I could see her when she gave the explanations!)

I still wanted dance lessons. My mother signed me up for violin lessons. I do not play the violin.

I still wanted dance lessons. My mother signed me up for piano lessons. I do not play the piano.

I still wanted dance lessons. My mother signed me up for guitar lessons. I do not play the guitar.

I still wanted dance lessons...

I cannot pick out a note if my life depended on it, BUT, I CAN move my body

1. When I was in HS, I attended a few of the school dances. I got up to dance and was surrounded by a bunch of the black kids in my class who were shocked to see a white chick who could dance (this is back in the 70's) It was fun!
2. When I was in HS, I participated in an extracurricular folk dancing class. The teacher thought I was particularly good and asked me to join his troupe.
3. When I turned 21, I began seeking out dance workshops and activities. I became an excellent dancer: I did international folk dancing, square and contra dancing, Cajun/zydeco dancing, swing dancing (my favorite!), other kinds of ballroom dancing, belly dancing, and West African dance, and even some hip hop. In 1996, I hurt my back and my early onset arthritis was aggravated. I have not been able to return to that level of dancing so now I rarely dance but miss it.

I have performed on stage numerous times.

WHO says deaf people can't dance???

Lirkod

Ok, so now, about the dance thing. I love to dance. I have ALWAYS loved to dance. Even though I am HOH and use HA's, I have always been able to pick out a beat and move my body to it. So, as young child I recognized that. And so I asked my mom to allow me to take dance lessons. Response? I was given a Baton and sent to learn to twirl a baton. Ugh. (Although that would be the closest I would ever come to dance lessons...). Again, I continued to ask for dance lessons. Response? I was given a violin and sent for violin lessons. Ugh #2. Again, I continued to ask for dance lessons. Response? My parents bought an old upright piano and brought in some old geezer to give me piano lessons. Ugh #3. (It was nuts, I mean, I can pick up the beat but I cannot for the life of me pick out notes!!!). Again, I continued to ask for dance lessons. Response? My parents bought me a cheap guitar and had it re-strung so I could learn to play it left handedly, and sent me for lessons at some weirdo's house. Ugh #4. (I still couldn't pick out notes so forget playing by ear!!!) But I could dance.

When I was in HS, a teacher of mine, who had a daughter my age, opened up a folk dancing "club" as an after school activity. I joined it and I LOVED it -- and then I turned my ankle hard and thus was unable to complete the year out in the club -- and then it fell apart. I also remember having attended a few school dances, and being surrounded by all the black kids who wanted to learn my moves. I was a white chick with rhythm!!!

It was not until years later that I was able to claim my dance personality. At age 21, began going to Folk Dance nights in Woodstock. I learned Bulgarian, Turkish, Greek, Yugoslavian, Israeli dances and I LOVED it. A few years after that I took a class in belly dancing. Then I learned Contra and Square Dancing, and then Swing Dancing (Lindy, Jitterbug, Rockabilly, West Coast Swing and more), then other ballroom dances, and then Cajun and Zydeco Dancing. I also learned a basic Western Two Step. Finally, I began attending West African Dance classes given by Carol Dowd at the Mountain View Studio in Woodstock, NY. I was good at all the dances I attempted. I even gave some performances with other friends of mine who also danced. It was a heady time for me back then. I was so active -- I danced several nights most weeks, worked out at gym a few days a week, went on long, strenuous hikes, swam, and even my job was physically demanding.

Eventually, the activity took its toll on me. It caused my arthritis to flare up at a young age. I had no chance to avoid it -- all my grandparents have it and my father as well. Then, in 1996 I slipped on a freshly waxed floor at my place of employment. There were no warning signs or stanchions, so I did not know the floor was wet with wax. I went flying and landed on my lower back. It took me about a year to "recover" -- but to this day I occasionally feel blips of discomfort or pain in my lower back. Most of that is due to arthritis and damp, cold weather exacerbating it (when I go upstate to the mountains for a weekend).

After my back injury almost all my activity stopped. I was no longer able to do all that I used to and I have never ever gotten back to that level of activity. My arthritis got worse, I got older, and I gained weight. I still love to dance but if I spend one night dancing I will be in pain all the next day (knees and hips, mostly).

So, basically, that's my dance story...

Beit Sefer Tichon

So, I DID say I would write about High School. The problem is, there is not too much to write. I coasted through high school without ever really learning anything. I remained active in my shul youth group. I remained a social outcast.

Ok, a few things.

I became close friends with Rose Blas. Rose was actually two years younger than me, and we would only share one year together in high school at the same time. We became friends, really, because she totally looked up to me. She loved the way I dressed and she wanted to learn from me how to dress well. She also thought I was cool (little did she know) and it was cool simply having a close friend who was 'older'. We used to go shopping together all the time. Shopping is not actually correct...Window Shopping is more like it. We drove the salespeople nuts. We would descend on a store and proceed to try on half the store. And we always left the dressing rooms a mess. This was before big box retailing -- each store was small, locally owned, and security measures to prevent shoplifting had not yet changed the face of retailing.

She and I also attended TLS together. TLS stands for Torah Leadership Seminar. These were usually 3-4 day seminars, over Shabbat, organized and run by Yeshiva University. TLS was designed to introduce non-relgious young Jews to religious Judaism and Shabbat. In truth, they were brainwashing sessions: we were kept up and got little to no sleep, we were kept in a state of hyperactivity -- roused to "spiritual excitement" with constant singing and emotional stories, etc., fed awful food so we barely ate -- all the while being bombarded with how wonderful it is to be religious and to keep Kosher and to keep Shabbat. Well -- it worked. Many students who attended these TLS events, are today, religious Jews. (A sort of outgrowth of this type of kiruv [outreach] has been the establishment of the organization NJOP -- National Jewish Outreach Program.)

I remember, I had already attended one TLS event and loved it and had convinced Rose that she would also enjoy it. She asked her parents if she could go and her father, who ran a little dictatorship in his household said no. I think his main objection was the cost. So, she asked me to convince him. So, I, at age 15, was to convince a grown man, a father and businessman, to allow his 13 year old daughter to attend TLS with me, and to spend about $118 dollars in doing so. I went to her house to speak with him. His main objection (at least what he told me) was that he did not believe that we wanted to go to TLS because we wanted to learn about our Jewish heritage. He believed that the real reason we wanted to go was because there were cute boys there -- and we were boy crazy! My response? "Ok, so, what if that is true? What if the real reason we want to go is because there are cute boys there? At least they are Jewish. We will be meeting and socializing with Jewish boys. Isn't that preferable to meeting and socializing with non - Jewish boys?" * He told me he liked my "shpiel" (sales pitch)-- and he let Rose attend TLS with me.

I also sort of introduced dance to Rose. In truth, Rose had always been a dancer. She had taken ballet lessons, tap dance lessons, and Jazz lessons. I had never taken any of those lessons (more about that in another entry). But I had a good feel for rhythm and in my last year of HS would go to disco's and dance clubs with a friend of mine, Lou Kogon. He taught me how to hustle and I loved it. Then, toward the end of my last year in HS, which would also be my last year in USY, we had a "senior" USY dance for all the outgoing members. I invited Rose to attend and also my friend Lou, who was a year older and had been an outgoing member in the prior year. Well, the band started up and Lou and I took to the floor. Now, bear in mind, I was still a social outcast, in spite of being active in the group and on the board of the group. No one at this event had ever seen me dance. When Lou and I began dancing, everyone else stopped. We were that good. We danced three dances like that. At the end of the third dance, we stopped and all of a sudden I was mobbed! Rose especially was entranced and said that she had no idea I could dance like that. Rose and I and Lou left the dance after that. Later, my mother (who had been there as a chaperone and witnessed the whole thing) would tell me how great it was and that everyone was watching me with their mouths open -- they could not believe that this person who was the social outcast, who could not hear, could dance like that. And when I left, I left them all with this amazing picture in their mind of me and who I was -- that they would never forget! It was great for me!

Rose and I remained close friends throughout most of my high school years. In my last year of high school, I began to change a bit, and Rose also knew that I would be leaving for Israel after HS -- and we began pulling away from each other a bit. We were still friends, but we shared less than we had in the past.

After I left HS, and went to Israel, Rose sort of picked up where I left off. She became friends with Carlos Roncancio. He was also a dancer and she and Carlos began going to disco's and dance clubs. This was against her father's wishes. One night she and Carlos were to compete in a dance contest at one of the clubs. She snuck out of the house, and went to the club with Carlos and his sister Anna. They danced in the contest and they won. In the meantime, her parents discovered her missing and her sister, JoEllen told them where she was. So, they called the club, and asked that they hold her there. However, the club realized that they were underage and instead simply warned Rose and Carlos and Anna that Rose's parents were on their way over. So they left the club. Rose's parents went to the club but it took a really long time to get there due to a terrible car accident that had occurred. They passed the accident on the way there. Of course, when they got to the club, Rose and her friends wee gone. So, they went home, passing this accident again. Upon returning home they learned the horrible news that Rose and her boyfriends sistter Anna, had been killed in a car accident -- the very same one which they had twice passed.

I was in Israel during all this and had no idea of any of this. My parents were afraid to tell me, lest I demand to come home for the funeral -- and they really could not afford that. So, they did not tell me. I learned later, that hundreds of people attended Rose's funeral. The driver who killed her and Anna, had been drunk, the son of a well respected local doctor. He did no jail time, nor were any major fines levied. This was in 1979, long before DWI became treated as a real crime.

A week after Rose's funeral, her father went into the hospital for some routine surgery, I think something to do with a hernia. My mother went to visit him and she could see that he was depressed. He said he was worried about the surgery but my mother who knew about it explained how it was routine and what they would do and that he would be fine. Sy (that was his name) died on the operating table. My mother was the last non medical person to see him alive.

To this day, I cannot fathom the depths of misery that Mildred, Rose's mother must have felt, to bury her husband one week after having buried a child! How awful that must have been.

When I returned to the States from Israel, about two manths after all this had happened, it took my parents almost two weeks before they sat me down to tell me what had occurred in my absence. I was devastated. It took me several months before I felt I could go see Mildred.

Ok, I am sorry for the maudlin story. Life goes on, and so life went on.

More later...

* A word of explanation to non Jews: This was not considered discrimination or prejudice, at least not in a negative way. For religious and traditional Jews there is a strong desire and established law (for those who follow it) that we are to marry only Jews. Thus, Jewish parents, even those who were not religious back then, want their children to meet other Jewish peers. This pull is not as strong among non religious Jews today as it was back then.