Kitah Aleph

So, now I was in First Grade, in a "normal" class. Was it the best option for me? I don't know. I was seated in the front and the teacher was told to always look at me when speaking to me. She had to be facing me when speaking to the class. Did she hold to that? My memory says no.

Several years ago, I was having a discussion with my mom about something, I do not remember exactly what but the subject of my hearing and being in school must have come up. And, my mom made the statement that I used to turn my hearing aids off in school when I did not want to hear the teacher! I was so shocked by that. I told her that I NEVER did that. Apparently, my teacher must have had difficulty reaching me. I know now, that hearing is not a passive activity for me. It MUST be active. Active listening is tiring. When one does not hear, it is easy to "tune out" the world and go off into lala land. I can imagine now, the teacher calling my name and me not responding. She must have assumed I had turned my hearing aids off, though why she would assume this I have no idea. It is possible too that the batteries were dying or dead -- and I may not have been aware. Awareness of these kinds of things came slowly to me. My teacher must have told my mom that I turned off my hearing aids. And my mom must have believed her. In retrospect, I feel betrayed - my mom was a traitor. She believed the teacher!!!

Initially, I did well in school but quickly fell behind. Quite honestly, I barely remember ever bringing homework home to do. I think I simply missed out on the instructions. My grades would suffer. First grade was not so bad. It was in later grades that my lack of academic success became more noticeable.

Socially, I was an outcast. I was needy, loud, and probably seemed bossy. I must have been socially inappropriate. I missed all the nuances of socializing, I could not overhear things, I did not learn the rumors, or the whispered communications. I could not hear someone calling me from a distance. If I was not quick enough to respond to another kid calling me or asking me to do something, I must have appeared dumb, retarded, slow.

I was teased. Called names. My mom tried to help me. She told me that STUPID ditty: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never harm me." To that I say BULLSHIT. Language is very powerful. Names can hurt. Names can stick. Names can affect a persons self esteem.

Ok, enough ranting. I have to go now. I will continue with my story at a later date.

Shabbat Shalom!