Lishmoah

Pilot Trip

2011-05-12T00:47:00.000-04:00

This has been an amazing trip. I came to Israel with the intention of combining a Pesach visit with a Pilot trip in preparation for making aliyah. I have now been here a little over a month and will be returning to the States in four days.

Prior to coming on this trip I had determined that I would make aliyah to the northern part of Israel, in consideration of the fact that my daughter and her husband are in Haifa now -- he is a student at the Technion, and in consideration of the fact that Nefesh B'Nefesh offers substantial additional benefits to Olim making aliyah to the north -- participating in the NBN Go North program. I and Chloe and Jonathan also determined that we would attempt living together for a while, merging our resources, thus enabling a more comfortable living situation for us all.

However, upon actually visiting several of the eligible communities and considering the relative inaccessibility of most of them, we (I and my daughter and her husband) decided in favor of my making aliyah to a more central location. We determined that we should be in a community that is either directly on or extremely close to the direct train route to Haifa to ease Jonathan's travel. While his actual travel time is increased due to the increased geographic distance, it will be "dedicated" travel time. Travel from the more remote areas we originally looked at would entail several changes of venue with shorter travel times on each venue. The actual time it would take for him to get from door to door could be as much as an hour and a half. Travel on a train directly to Haifa would allow him to sit and study or read or do HW or even nap if he so pleases.

Modi'in is on the direct train route and was reputed to be a place with many nice residential areas, diverse and religious neighborhoods, and many resources available that would be helpful to us all. We began to look there. However, upon actually seeing what was available we were a bit disappointed with the ratio of space to rent. The spaces were smaller, the rents were higher. Chashmonaim is very close to Modi'in and I had found a number of listings that appeared to be good ones on Yad2. We decided to look there. We did see places with the space we coveted, but not the neighborhood.

On a whim, I decided to stop and visit friends of mine who live in Chashmonaim and yes, they were home and in we went and schmoozed for a while. It so happens that my friend is Robin Schreiber and she is a coordinator for Olim in Chashmonaim. What a great connection to have! That same day she received a tip that a particular house would be coming on the market as the current tenants would be vacating soon. She immediately notified me and I, in turn, contact the current tenants. We went forthwith to view the house. It was perfect ... well, almost perfect. The bedrooms are smaller than we would have liked and the yard is a mess. But the rest of the house is perfect. Now, the bigger test would be -- what will the rent be? The current tenants could only tell me what they were paying not what the landlord would charge. So, a call went out to the landlord. With bated breath, I awaited the verdict. When the number came through I let out my breath: YES! It was within our budget.

We will be meeting again with the landlord tomorrow. In the meantime we were busy. While I was here I managed to do the following: see several communities in the North. Go with Chloe when she took Gavriel to the doctor. Visit Beit HaTfutsot in Tel Aviv. Send out my CV to about 50 or so amutot -- of which about a dozen responded and half those expressed interest! I stayed with my sister, Phyllis in Mercaz Shapira for the Pesach seder, stayed with my mechutanet, Yael, in Nof Ayalon for Shabbat Chol HaMoed, and sof Chag. I spent a lot of time looking at houses in Modi'in and Chashmonaim. I spent a couple of days shpatziring in J'lem. I spent a Shabbat in Modi'in. I visited with an old friend from my sojourn in Israel thirty years ago.

Thirty years ago I was in Israel and I lived on Kibbutz Shluchot in Emek Bet Shean. During that time I became friends with a young soldier there, Efraim Yaffe. We remained friends when I was learning at Machon Gold in J'lem the following year. We even exchanged a few letters (via snail mail -- the internet did not exist then) during the following year when I moved back to the States. But that petered out pretty quickly. And then, we lost contact with one another. In 1996 when I first got online, I quickly realized the power of the internet to reach people I would otherwise not be able to find. Efraim was one of the people I attempted to find. I found many other old and otherwise lost friends via the internet but I could not find Efraim. It was after my husband died, that I found him and in the most extraordinary way.

After Barry died, I went online and logged onto all his accounts: hotmail, gmail, linkedin and facebook. It was upon logging into his linkedin account that I found Efraim. You see, Barry worked for IBM and had connections to people who worked for IBM in Israel. Efraim was also working for IBM -- and he was a suggested connection for Barry. I saw the name, "Efraim Yaffe" and suddenly was still. I stared at the name -- all the years I had searched for him I was searching on "Ephraim Yaffe" and not on "Efraim Yaffe".

I found myself floundering for a few minutes trying to decide if I should contact him and find out if he is the same Efraim Yaffe I knew thirty years prior. I decided in favor. I quickly typed out a brief email, with references to that time of our lives, asking if he was indeed who I was searching for. Within a few hours I received an email. It was him!!

We quickly exchanged a flurry of emails in attempt to catch up on each others lives. He married one of the other participants in the Ulpan I was in at Kibbutz Shluchot. He has a dog. (The dog died recently). I was married. I have one daughter. She is married. I have a grandson. And so on and so forth...

Yesterday, we finally met once again. We met at Cafe Cafe on Rechov Ben Gurion in Ramat Gan. It was great to see him. He looks terrific. Chloe and Gavriel were with me and so he met them too, and they, he. We both still are amazed that we were able to find one another after all these years and see one another. We talked about the possibility of setting up some kind of reunion for those of us who were at the kibbutz during those years. We shall see if that actually happens.

It has been quite an eventful visit for me. And, not quite over yet...

Sickness, Setbacks, and Slayings = ALIYAH

2011-03-16T21:08:00.000-04:00

I have been home sick for a week now. It started with a cough, well, actually with a post nasal drip and that caused the cough. I figured I had a little sinus infection, but figured also, incorrectly, that it would go away after a few days. I went to work Monday morning, but after a few hours of constant hacking, I realized this was worse than I thought. I needed to see a doctor and get some antibiotic. Pleading illness, I made my excuses at work and prepared to leave for the day.

I went to see my doctor, to get an antibiotic and something for the cough, to give me some relief. She prescribed a Z-pac for me (zythromycin) which is a five day regimen of antibiotic pills that is supposed to be very intense and effective. I have taken this before and with the exception of one really bad time, it has always worked wonders for me. Twenty- four hours after taking the first dose (2 pills) I feel brand new. But not THIS time. This time, it did not seem to do anything for me.

She also prescribed a “new” drug for me called “benzonotate”. She promised me it would stop my cough. Well. It did NOT stop my cough. If anything, it felt like it made it worse. It probably did not make it worse but the fact that I had NOTHING to take to give me relief from the coughing probably made me feel that way.

The cough got so bad that I was brought to the point of dry heaves. It was AWFUL. Everything hurt me: my back, my neck, my shoulders, my stomach, my head. Every cough was so very painful. My head felt like, each time I coughed, my brain was rattling around inside banging against the shell of my skull. It WAS. I also had a sinus infection which added to the misery of my head. The dry heaves gave my torso a major work out.

I drank hot tea, hot broth, and hot chicken soup. I slurped on icy, fruity popsicles, the sugar free kind. I drank tons of lemonade, water, and some grape juice. I tried to eat some solids, but I had no appetite.

I had chills, the kind where my body is shaking and my teeth chattering and I felt like a cartoon character. Clack clack clack went my teeth. I took Tylenol every 5 hours. I woke up drenched. I took hot steamy showers, trying to breathe in the steam.

I called my doctor four times in as many hours, crying, asking PLEASE give me Tylenol with codeine, pills not liquid. The liquid upsets my stomach. Finally, the prescription was called in and I went out so fast. I looked miserable, I felt miserable. But I knew I was finally going to feel better. I got the pills, went home and downed two of them immediately. Within 15 minutes I felt SO MUCH BETTER. And then I slept. I slept and slept. Then I woke up, showered, cleared my sinuses, and took two more pills. And slept. This pattern repeated itself over the next three days. I never had taken that much T3 in so short a time. But I needed it – I had not slept prior to it in three days. So, I needed to SLEEP.

Then, on Shabbat I finally started to feel human again. I even got dressed, and straighten up a bit around the house. I had some visitors. You have no idea how AMAZING that was. When I was in Teaneck, and I was home sick, I NEVER had visitors. Here, I had SEVERAL visitors. It was SO NICE. I was feeling great. And then, Shabbat was over and I got online….

DEVASTATION. The Fogel Family Massacre. Two parents, three children slain, butchered, throats slit while they slept. I was so upset. I was angry. I was VERY VERY VERY angry. How could this be? Where is justice? Where is G-d? I was crying and sobbing and ranting and raving and raging. I do not even know this family. But how? Why? A three month old infant, her throat slit while she slept in her Abba’s arms. This was just an unspeakable horror. I finally made myself go to bed. Of course, I took two pills. I would never have slept otherwise. (I could not even imagine the horror for sweet Tamar Fogel, the 12 year old girl who found her family butchered!).

Sunday. It was a terrible day for me. I was very depressed. ALL DAY. I could not get this out of my head. I spent a whole day, mourning, trying to make some sense out of all this. But my anger was really getting the better of me. And then, I started to see some beautiful posts. Exhortations to be positive, to do mitzvot, to perform acts of chesed, to daven with kavana, to understand that this IS part of G-d’s plan and we need to both accept it and believe. Believe that He is doing what is best for us, even if we do not understand it. Slowly, slowly, I began to lose my anger. Slowly, slowly I began to gain clarity and regain my normal sense of positivity.

And then I experienced it, like a flash. The answer. Aliyah. The answer is aliyah. It is the ONLY valid response to this, to the current state of affairs for the Jews and for Israel. Never, in MY lifetime, has there been so much unabashed anti-Semitism in the world. Never, in MY lifetime, have the Jews been in more danger than they are now. We are seeing a world that rivals the world of Germany and Europe in WWII, a world that rivals the Nazi extremism and pursuit of the decimation of the Jews. Only now, it is called Islamism, not Nazism. But it is the SAME THING. The same methodology is being used, and the world is responding the same way—by turning the other way, pretending not to see what is happening. When it comes to Jewish blood, the world does not care. The Jews have been and will always be the convenient scapegoats for all the ills in the world.

The Nazi’s were wholly dedicated to the extermination of the Jews. In fact, even when they knew they were losing the war, going to lose the war, they sunk inordinate amount of resources in to killing as many Jews as possible. The Islamic movement is wholly dedicated to the extermination of the Jews. Even if Israel did NOT exist, and even if there were NO Jews in all of the Middle East – they would still be dedicated to the extermination of the Jews. They want a world with NO JEWS at all, anywhere.

Well, they are going to be sorely disappointed. The Jews are here to stay. It is G-d’s promise that we are here for the long haul. The Jews have always survived. Most of our oppressors have come and gone. The Philistines, Romans, Babylonians, and others, have all come and are gone, forever. But we are here, and here we will stay.

But Israel is our home, will always be our home and is our only home. Aliyah is the answer.

Aliyah Now!

Itamar. Never Again...

2011-03-12T19:52:00.000-05:00

When I was growing up I thought the world was becoming a better place. I grew up in the 60’s, came of age in 70’s, experienced the decadence of the 80’s, and began the downward spiral toward cynicism in the 90’s when I realized that the better world promised to me and my children by the brave who demonstrated, marched, picketed, and put themselves in harm’s way in the violent riots of the 60’s that rocked life in the US, was not and would not become, a reality. I resigned myself to it. I did so without any real conscious thought or reason that I was doing so. I simply settled into the world, accepted that this is the way things are, the way they have been, and the way they always will be.

Perhaps this was wrong of me. I abandoned the task of “tikkun olam” – fixing the world – a task that
G-d gave us. I became complacent. But I wasn’t the only one. The vast majority of the people I grew up with, my peers, and the people in my immediate world, those I worked with, those I socialized with, those I associated with through the commonality of a shared belief -- had all settled down to the business of living our lives in the world in which we found ourselves. We did little real work of fixing the world. Some of use donated money to worthwhile causes, some of us volunteered our time, some of us even went to work in careers supposedly dedicated to the causes of tikkun olam. But the majority of us, our focus was on careers, family, and the immediate communities in which we lived. We focused on acquiring the accoutrements of a life supposedly well lived – large homes with multi-car garages to house the multiple cars we owned, many and beautiful clothes to wear, with new purchases for each and every new social and religious occasion that came our way, sending our children to Yeshivot , not an unworthy mission, yet with tuitions that skyrocketed out of control while the actual teachings fell short, way short, on issues like menschlikeit and Israel and tikkun olam.

The world has not become a better place. Far from it. In a world where terrorists can, in the name of supposed freedom can enter a private home, and kill, with knives a young defenseless mother, a father in his sleep, a toddler and an infant – they slit the throat of an infant! – no we cannot claim the world is a better place.

I can’t help feeling that we missed the boat somewhere, somehow. I don’t know when, where, or how. But we need to find our way back – back to the idealism and anger and righteous indignation that spurs our hearts to action and let our bodies, brains, and mouths follow suit. We need take back the world and make it ours again. We can no longer be complacent.

I remember as a child, a young child, going to the local Jewish Community Center in the town in which I grew up. I remember seeing posters all around with the slogan “Never Again”. Those posters, that slogan referred to the Holocaust, it would never happen again, because we would never allow it to happen again. It referred to the creation of the State of Israel, which at that point had only occurred about 20+ years prior. Those posters are long gone. In fact, sad to say, the Jewish Community Center is long gone – because the Jewish Community of that town did not see fit to maintain such an edifice. They saw no need to maintain a “Jewish Community” when they could assimilate and become part of the larger “secular” community.

But we need, here in the US, a galvanizing campaign, once again, like the “Never Again” campaign. We need to be a force to be reckoned with. We need to be far reaching and extremely visible. And once again, we need to say “Never Again”. We will never allow such terrorist acts to occur to our people in Israel – for they ARE our people. Just as they were OUR people who were slaughtered with unconscionable blood thirst and violence in Germany and Europe.

Where is our voice? Where is our UNITY? We must UNITE and say TOGETHER “NEVER AGAIN”.

Bibi Netanyahu is called for the world to condemn this most recent, vicious bloodletting of our innocents – I want ALL JEWS to condemn this act. I do not care about the rest of the world. We are Jews, we are meant to be a “Light unto all nations”. If we act – then the world will follow. That is the order of things.

Condemnation is not enough. Retaliation, punishment, revenge – those are the words most appropriate in response to this recent act of terror. And not just words will do – we must follow those words with the actions they convey.

This Shabbat I stayed home recuperating from a sinus infection that took me down hard this past week. I was alone and enjoyed the solitude while I had it. I took out some Hebrew shiron’s that I had collected. My late husband and I used to love to sing many of the old Israel folk songs. I was singing “HaKotel”. I am never able to sing that song without breaking down – and I do not simply cry, I sob, I wail, I lift my face to the sky and I ask Hashem how much longer must we wait? How much longer before He will life His sword and smite our enemies? I ask how many more deaths of our innocent children of HIS innocent children must we withstand? How many more must we bury before He will send us Moshiach?

It is said the Hashem helps those who help themselves. So, we must fight. And pray. And Hashem will lend His mighty hand to our own…

Bureaucracy in the US, not Israel

2011-03-10T16:18:00.002-05:00

One of the first steps in my aliyah journey has been the filling out of inumerable forms -- the NBN application form, the Go North addendum, the heath affidavit, the financial affidavit, the exit/entry form -- and the production of various legal documents -- birth certificates, marriage certificates, divorce certificates, death certificates -- any and all of these that apply to one's particular situation. BUT ---

One cannot simply produce/provide ORIGINALS of these items. Each of these items must be accompanied by an "apostille". So, in my case I needed an apostille for EACH one of the above mentioned items. I was born, thus a birth certificate. I was married and divorced, hence the need to provide the divorce certificate, only the divorce certificate in this case since the divorce certificate voids the need for the marriage certificate. But, I remarried, so I needed one for that marriage certificate. My husband had died so I needed his death certificate as well. No problem, I thought. A cinch. Hah!

For my birth certificate and the divorce certificate I had to apply first to the office of vital records in the county in which they occurred (Ulster County, New York) for "certified" copies of each. Then, once I had the certified copies in hand, I had to mail them back to a different office, also in Ulster County, to be "notarized" and then an apostille could be affixed to each item. Besides spending money on the postage for all this (and I did not use regular postage, I used certified postage so I could have the ability to track the items and insure them) it cost me for the certified copies, for the notarization and for the apostille. But this was not so bad. I did this inside of a month.

For the death certificate I happened to have a certified copy already in my hands. So, I sent it to the appropriate offices in NJ, along with prepaid return envelopes for expedited processing. So, what did they do? They sent it back to me, telling me they needed to know for which country I needed the apostille before they could process it! I had given them my phone number, in the accompanying correspondence. You mean they could not CALL ME UP and struggle through a phone call with me to get this information??? They wasted the prepaid return envelope! So, I had to do it over again with the word ISRAEL in BOLD RED across the damn sheet of paper. That worked. And yes, there were fees on top of shipping costs to do this.

All that was left now was my marriage certificate. As it happened Barry and I got married before a justice of the peace in New York City for our "civil" marriage ceremony. Thus that item was stored within the vast acres of files of the offices of records for New York City. I did not have a certified copy and I need that first. So, I called their office and after an interminable wait, finally spoke with a real live human being. and was told that I could not order this over the phone but must MAIL in an order. I was given all the information I needed -- how much to send, where to send it, etc. Then, I asked what the turnaround time was to get the certified copy of the marriage certificate. The clerk told me, "Ten weeks". "TEN WEEKS?? You mean ten DAYS, right?", I stammered. "No ma'am, I mean ten weeks!". I was dumbfounded. I realized that I could wait ten weeks for the certified certificate, then send it to be notarized by a NYC clerk, get it back , and then send it to receive an apostille, and who knew how long THAT would take. So, I had no choice -- I would have to drive in to NYC to do it in person and thus get it in one day.

Driving up from Baltimore is probably not a terrible drive, and while I LIKE driving, I am not overly fond of LONG trips. With gasoline at nearly $4 a gallon, tolls ONE way costing about $25, this is not a cheap trip. This would cost me $100 just for the trip alone -- not counting the fees I paid to each office I stopped at along the way to getting an apostille for the marriage certificate. But now I have them. They are nifty, neat, and beautiful. They are now residing in a glassine page protector in my aliyah album. And now, I am ready for my aliyah interview with the Jewish Agency for Israel Shlicha...

Aliyah Journey

2011-03-10T12:53:00.003-05:00

Several years ago my daughter Chloe returned to the States from Israel. She had just spent a year in Israel, learning at Michlelet Orot. When she went, my husband Barry and I had encouraged her to consider going, and staying. I never really believed she would. Our idea was that she would go, stay, and then we would follow. But it was really just a germ of an idea, a dream. We did not know if it would really take root.

Well...

She returned and said she was going back, she was making aliyah. She applied to Nefesh B'Nefesh and she made aliyah. I was so very proud of her. I was in awe of her too. Here was MY daughter, all of 18 years old, making a life altering decision, going off to a country far away from the only home she has ever known, to live for the rest of her life. She went with three suitcases, a carry on, the clothes on her back, and the promise of money from Nefesh B'Nefesh and the Jewish Agency for Israel.

It was not always easy for her. Thank G-d, she had some good friends and thus a decent support network. She went to school and made a life for herself. In so doing, she met a wonderful young man, Jonathan. They announced an engagement pretty quickly and I found myself in the midst of planning a wedding for my daughter in Israel. On January 20, 2008 they were married. It was a beautiful wedding. Chloe got pregnant pretty quickly. The baby was due in early February. Barry and I were planning our trip to Israel once again, this time for the birth of the baby. But Hashem had other plans. On January 20, 2009 we buried my beloved Barry. Two weeks later, Gavriel was born.

The past two plus years have been not such good years for me. But I knew almost immediately that making aliyah would be the only thing for me to do. And so now, I am finally planning it.

I contacted Nefesh B'Nefesh and applied. I applied for the Go North aliyah program. After all, my daughter lives in Haifa, which is the North and they live there because Jonathan is learning at Technion. We have decided to move in together, to make life a bit easier and more comfortable for ourselves. We get along and in a way this makes up to me for the past couple of years in which I rarely got to see them or my grandson.

I created a book, binder of all the things I need for my aliyah. All my important documents, all the information I need, etc. I am itching under the skin to do this, to make my aliyah. I have been waiting now for over two years to do this. Nothing is going to stop me now.

But I am terrified. Some of what I am scared about is the practical stuff: will I be able to live in Israel? How much of a drop in my standard of living will I experience? How low will I have to go? How low can I tolerate going? I have always prided myself on being flexible, on being optimistic, upbeat, on being tolerant and accepting, and being able to just let things roll off my back. I pride myself on being a nice person, a good person, one who does the right thing. How will I fare in Israel? Will I be able to retain all this? Or will Israel make me cynical and negative? Will I become a majorly stressed out person?

I am also scared a bit of never meeting someone with whom to spend the rest of my life. On the one hand there are more eligible men here in the States than there are in Israel. On the other hand they are HERE and not THERE. If I meed a man there, then I do not need to be concerned with whether or not he is willing or able to make aliyah. Oh, such things to be concerned with!

I read all the blogs and email listservs that have to do with aliyah, the NBN yahoo groups lists, the Tachlis list, various blogs, I read everything. And I worry. Most of the people that I know who have made, or are making aliyah, are in much better shape than I am financially. It makes me crazy to hear THEM whining about things. They BUY homes in Israel (I can only rent), and they have AMERICAN kitchens with all the AMERICAN sized appliances (fridges, ovens, ranges, washer/dryers, dishwashers, etc). I am NOT going to have ANY of that.

I do not consider myself to be much of a "chalutznik" -- technically, a "pioneer" -- or one willing/able to live under tough conditions in Israel. I AM pretty used to the conveniences and comforts of living in America, and I do like them. I know I will be giving much of that up. I only hope I CAN, without it being too difficult for me.

I pray to Hashem to give me the strength to do this...

Crossroads

2011-01-24T19:37:00.003-05:00

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately, about my life, what I am doing now, and what/where I want to be in the future. I have been saying for a very long time that I want to make aliyah.

My late husband, Barry and I had planned to make aliyah. We thought we might be able to do so after his youngest finished her Shana B'Aretz. But, unfortunately, that was not to be. My beloved Barry was taken from me before we could realize that dream.

But while that was a dream that we both shared, it was not a dream I lost -- in fact, after his death, the dream became more intensely desired. In fact, I had opened a file with Nefesh B'Nefesh in late 2009, thinking I might be able to make aliyah in August of 2010. But that was not to be. Upon being viciously sued by his ex wife and his four daughters, I had to put my plans on hold. They attempted to ruin me, to take away from me any and all chance of my ability to make aliyah, to live a comfortable life.

That litigation is finally coming to a close. Thank G-d, they did not succeed. Much happened in the intervening year, most of it really amazing, and wonderful. I know that Hashem's hashgacha pratis was the source of all my blessings this past year. My moving to Baltimore, being closer to my brother and his family, making all these amazing new friends, finding a nice apartment, and work that I enjoy, and belonging to a wonderful shul -- all these are the results of His Divine Providence.

About a month ago, I re-opened my file with Nefesh B'Nefesh. I am once again attempting to make aliyah. It is going to be quite an adventure, I can see that already. I am working to reawaken my ability to speak and understand Hebrew. I am teaching myself new words, working to increase my vocabulary. I am reading and perusing sites in Hebrew to acclimate myself to READING Hebrew.

I am also considering another change in my life. It is one that is not going to come easy to me, but one which I think I have to make.

Since mid summer 2010 I have been going contra dancing, several times a week. I love the dancing. But after about five months of dancing this much, I began to experience pain in my right hip/leg. I have a congenital "deformity" in my right side: the leg rotates outward more than it should, and does not have enough interior rotation. But despite this I walk normally -- because I trained myself to walk with my foot straight forward. The problem is that this means that under normal circumstances my leg muscles are working overtime to keep my leg straight. But when I dance, I am adding to that, to the already overstressed muscles, and they tire out quickly and become painful for me to move on. I saw an orthopedist about this issue and she told me that this can be fixed. She said it can be fixed either through physical therapy, or through surgery. She suggested we try PT first. So, I began PT several weeks ago. I have seen little to no improvement. Quite honestly, even though I believe that my physical therapist, Bill Amos is fantastic, I am skeptical that several weeks of PT can fix what is a congenital deformity. I expressed this to him and he understood that.

Now, if PT does not work, then that means I would need surgery to fix this. But, do I really want to do this? What I have been considering is this: to simply stop dancing, either altogether or just not so often. I know that if I stop dancing I will not have this pain. And then I would not need surgery. It will also be easier on my pocketbook. Dancing costs money: gasoline for my car, the wear and tear on my car (it is an hour each way for the Sunday night dances), and the fee to participate in the dance. Plus, even though I have health insurance, it is not going to cover 100% of the cost of the PT I am undergoing, nor will it cover the entire cost of the surgery. I do not really have the funds to deal with this. Plus, undergoing surgery in the coming year could impact my plans for making aliyah, negatively.

The downside to not dancing for me, is it takes me out of the social realm that I so enjoy, it also eliminates a strong source of physical exercise for me. Dancing, for me, in the past year has been a form of therapy for me. It has given me joy, and feelings of happiness and self esteem. All that is important to me.

Now there is yet another consideration. It is one which, I believe, many of my friends, family, and acquaintances might negate. It is this: the dancing I do is social dancing, mixed dancing -- men and women. In the frum community (religious, Jewish, orthodox) "mixed dancing" is generally frowned upon. We are told it is "assur" - forbidden. I do it anyway, with my own reasoning, and justification for why it is okay. Yet, I wonder - is Hashem telling me something when I feel pain after dancing? Perhaps all my justifications for this are for naught. One of my strongest justifications is that I need the exercise (I do) and I am not particularly good at doing exercise that I do not enjoy. But I LOVE dancing, ipso facto, I will DO IT!

So, it looks like I have some decisions to make. I would LOVE for any of my friends reading this to weigh in with their thoughts and suggestions. One thing: please do not suggest ZUMBA. I hate that.

Today

2011-01-10T16:42:00.002-05:00

This post is really a response to, or completion of the last post. I wrote about my life as it has been and what I have gone through. Really, that post is but the tip of the iceberg. But I will pour forth the details. The details are my wrath, my anger, my fully justified anger at how I have been treated by my late husband's daughters and ex wife and family. But for now, I will focus on here and now, and where I am now.

I am living in Baltimore, MD. I have a nice place to live, I belong to a wonderful shul, have a fabulous Rabbi. I have made a large number of extraordinary friends. I am growing a little closer to my brother and his family. Being closer to him I get to shep nachas and kvell in my baby brother's achievements.

I have job that I enjoy. I find myself better able to socialize -- and that is due to my late husband Barry -- he taught me. I learned from him.

I am slowly becoming more involved in the community. And now, I want to leave, to make aliyah. What am I? Nuts?

I am moving forward with an attempt to understand if aliyah is right for me. But I have some concerns. I also love it here so much. I do not know if I can bring Baltimore to Israel with me...enough.

So, that is where I am at. Details. For a later post...

My life is filled with chapters

2011-01-10T16:30:00.000-05:00

I wrote this in June 2010:

My life is filled with chapters. I could write a book of my life – each chapter of the book corresponding to another chapter of my life. I have just begun a new chapter in my life, yet another new chapter. Truth be told, I would rather not have all these chapters. I would prefer my life to be steady, constant, unchanging, and to be content with what I have. But, I think perhaps the inconstancy of my life is a punishment of sorts – for the discontent I have in the past expressed about my life. Especially given that my life was really good. I had a wonderful husband. I lived in a wonderful community. I had many good friends (still do), and we lived a good life. But I always wanted more. More money, more clothes, jewelry, a bigger house, to be able to make aliyah easily, to have the respect of my peers, to be acknowledged with great honor, - the list goes on. To be “samecha bechelki”, “happy with my lot in life”, I should have been, but was not. And so, all that I took for granted was ripped away from me, my life torn asunder.

This in no way absolves my stepdaughters and my late husband’s ex wife and his parents of the roles they played in the tearing apart of my life – for they did play a great role in that. We all have free choice, and sometimes we make the wrong choices. I made some erroneous choices in my life – but marrying Barry was NOT one of them. Barry was the best thing that ever happened to me. He taught me that I have real value. He taught me how to get along with other people. He taught me how to be a friend, a lover, a spouse. He loved me; he was so good to me.

Hashem saw fit, for some reason, to take him from us. Perhaps his usefulness had come to an end. Perhaps he was a gem, a treasure and the angels wanted him for themselves, or perhaps we simply did not deserve him. We will never know, but he is gone and so we go on, without him.

I read the first few chapters of a book recently, in which the author describes her life after her husband died suddenly and tragically, unexpectedly. She describes how she goes through the motions of her life, and how she thinks, “he will see that I am taking care of things”. That is exactly how I feel. With everything I do, I think, “Barry will see that I am taking care of things. I am ok. I can do this.”

And so my thoughts go, as I enter this new phase of my life. I have moved out of the house I called my home for the past ten years, a house in which I spent time, energy, and money making into a place we could all feel comfortable in, a place to have our friends and family join us, a place where we could retreat and just be ourselves, alone, silly or serious. I have moved away from a community in which I had become entrenched, through various activities, mostly involvement in my shul. This was a community in which I first was nervous of, and worried that I would not be able to fit in, but in which I ultimately became an integral part of, and it became an integral part of my life. I have, in the past year, lost my husband, lost my job, and due to contested probating of my late husbands’ estate, I lost his family (his children, his parents).

But now to look forward.

I have moved to a new community, one with a reputation for being a ‘nice’ community, filled with friendly, warm, welcoming people. Thus far (one week) this reputation has been borne out as true. I have moved into a new place, an apartment rather than a house, but one that is quite large and feels like a house. I am in the process, once again, of converting a space into a home where I can feel comfortable, invite friends and family over, enjoy meals and other gatherings, and a place where I can retreat and be alone with myself. The trick is for me not to feel lonely.

But, lonely I am. I miss my husband. I miss the family. I want it all back. I cannot have it back. I do hope, however, over time, to come to terms, and to hopefully meet another wonderful man with whom I can be happy. I hope too, that I have learned my lesson and will be better able to be ‘samecha b’chelki”.

We shall see, we shall see.

Update / Cobwebs

2010-06-28T07:03:00.003-04:00

I still have barely posted. But, I have been writing. In fact, I have done more writing in this past year than I ever have -- and I can see the results of all that writing. My writing has improved. Due to certain circumstances of my life, however, I cannot post most of my writing online - yet. Eventually, those circumstances will leave my life, forever, I hope. Then, I will be able to post all my writings -- writings that describe the many and terrible losses I have sustained since my beloved Barry died. Those writings describe my life as it was, and as it became, and then, as it is now. In brief, my life now is a culmination of many of those losses -- but also of how I have turned those losses into simple passages of my life and time -- and into a good life for myself.

In the meantime, I am going to slowly begin to post some of what I have written, perhaps in chronological order, perhaps not. The first piece I am posting is one I wrote in the beginning, before all the losses accrued, and my only loss (or so I thought) was my late husband.

Cobwebs of grief

After my husband died, I found myself “cocooning” more. I bought the most comfortable sheets, blankets, quilts, down comforters, pillows, robes, pajamas. (And I NEVER wore pajamas before!) I
want to wrap myself up in warmth and softness. I want to sink into it, to bliss out, to feel my brain go quiet, to pay attention to my breathing, to fall asleep in peace, to wake up in peace, warm and
cozy, with a smile on my face.

I would take hot baths, filled with fragrant suds, my body slipping down into the water, reveling in
the feel of its liquid warmth enveloping me. My hearing aids removed, all would be quiet, and all would be still.

But cobwebs of my grief block the warm cozy feelings from coming over me. I am unable to reach
that blissful state of being. I stay up too late, not wanting to go to my lonely bed. I let my cats
come in and sleep with me, something I never did before.

In bed, I toss and turn, unable to turn my brain off. In the bath, I am unable to relax, to sink
blissfully into its fragrant liquid warmth.

I try to watch TV and find myself flipping from channel to channel, for an hour or more. I try to read a book and I read the same line, over and over again.

These cobwebs of grief, they form a veil over my eyes, they are formed all around the perimeters of my brain, and appear impenetrable, like the thorny barbed wire used to keep interlopers out. In my case the interloper’s name is “peaceful being”.

Widowed

2009-02-22T22:11:00.002-05:00

I have not updated my blog in a rather long time. A month ago, my life changed irrevocably, and not for good -- at least not any good that I can see.

On January 14 my beloved husband, Barry Stern, A"H, slipped and fell on an icy curb, struck his head and never recovered. He died 5 days later. We buried him on January 20th. He was only 48 years old.

I am now a widow and not liking it one bit. B"H, I have a wonderful loving and supportive extended family, and community, so that does help. But, at night, at home, alone (well, I do have two cats to keep me company), it is difficult for me. I try to keep busy, doing things, organizing, cleaning, reading, watching TV, chatting online, talking on the phone. But it does not really help.

Barry was my world. We had a great marriage.

Some good things have happened since he was niftar -- my daughter Chloe gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, my amazing grandson, Gavriel Tuvia. My nephew Jeremy was bar mitzvah and he did a beautiful job leining. The first occasion was a terribly bittersweet event for me. The second was a double edged sword. I love being with Barry's family, but I miss Barry terribly at these functions. I truly hate the world I have recently inherited.

Losing weight

2008-10-10T15:41:00.002-04:00

Ok, so I haven't posted in a while. So shoot me. I'm a busy woman, what can I say?

Last week I got a call from my sister in law who told me she "found" my blog! I immediately began thinking in my head, "OMG, did I write about her? What did I say?" and of course, I hadn't. I wouldn't. But still. She told me she found it "interesting". Ok, that's good, I guess.

So now, the latest in my quest for a CI: I was evaluated and this is what happened:

First I was tested unaided (without my hearing aids) at 100 db. Then I was tested aided (with my hearing aids) at 40 db. I did better unaided at 100 db than I did aided at 40 db. So she REtested me aided at 40 db -- with the same results. Then she tested me again, also aided at 40 db but this time with sentences as well as sounds and words. My score went up dramatically.

She then told me the following: she did NOT recommend CI for me as she feels it would not give me much more benefit than what I get using HA's. She felt that a CI involves much more time, expense, and is invasive and not worth it for me. I was kind of disappointed. I was in a rather cranky mood that day after that.

Then, few weeks ago, I met a woman who was wearing one HA and had a CI in the other ear. I eagerly approached her to ask her about her experience. I learned that she can hear her kids in the other room and that she can have a conversation with her friend across the street. I cannot do either of those things!!! So, now I am considering getting a second opinion. At this point though, it will have to wait until after the Chagim.

I have however embarked an a different project: losing weight. I am DETERMINED to do it this time. So now I have been stocking up on tons of low carb foods and revising my recipes to accomodate my diet. This is NOT Atkins, nor is it South Beach. It is simply eliminating the truly carb heavy foods and adding portion control to the mix. I eventually am going to add exercise to this too, but again, after the Chagim. There just is not enough time in my day to do so much.

The foods I have basically eliminated are potatoes, pasta, rice, cereal, and bread. The first four I have COMPLETELY eliminated. The last one, on Shabbat and Chag I eat a very small portion, as I am required to do so at the meals. And yes, since it is Chag time, we shmear a bit of honey on our bread and I am doing that. And, I am still eating fruit -- not a lot of it, but I am eating it just the same.

So far, I can only claim success: I started at 169 lbs and am now at 152 lbs. So I have lost 17 lbs since September 26! Not a bad start.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur. I had so much to daven for. I davened for my children, grandchildren, my husband, our parents, family who are ill, friends who are ill, for Israel. For myself I davened to rid myself of jealousy, grudges, and to be matzliach in finding a better paying job where I will be respected.

The economy is tanking and I am very worried. We were not in such great shape before and now it will be worse. It sucks. Especially when I read that after the govt give 87 BILLION to save Wall St. the CFO of AIG goes and spends 450k on a business meeting and 50k on manicures and pedicures. NUTS!!

Oh well, thats all for now...

Finally, productiveness

2008-06-06T06:50:00.002-04:00

So, last Sunday was definitely a PRODUCTIVE day. We got up nice and early and went to work. We emptied out our basement, our attic, the garage. We cleaned it out and it feels so good. The scariest part of all this was that when we were done, we had FILLED a 20 ft long x 8 ft wide x 3 ft deep dumpster!!! And that was only after 8 years of accumulating stuff!!

But, I figure that we will not accumulate so much as we go forward -- after all we are a middle aged couple with only 1/2 child left at home.

Anyway, I had planned on writing more but I just noticed the time and I need to fly.

Next time...

Too much to do, too little time and I am wasting it posting to my blog...

2008-05-26T14:23:00.002-04:00

I just feel guilty that I have not posted. It is pretty stupid because no one reads my blog anyway. But I like the thought that maybe someone will find what I have to write interesting and that they might learn a few things from me.

Since my last post, Pesach came and went, the cast came off my hand, my cat (Barnum) broke his paw, and was in a cast, the cast has been removed, the shul dinner occurred, the Shalva dinner happened, my husband Barry fell down the stairs and landed on top of the office chair he was carrying and got a large puncture wound in his shin, which required stitches, the stitches have since been removed, I have been working on several website directives for work (mostly having to do with online donations, but with the quirky I will give to Shalva $x.xxx only if YOU give the same amount concept, the boss wants this to go viral, (hah!), been working on the shul website (www.arzeidarom.org --check it out), became the Chairperson of the Sisterhood Tea planning committee, and working on a freelance database project....(breather...)
...
...
...
It is actually, TOO MUCH. And, Barry and I have been trying to reorganize and fix up our house a bit. In fact, this weekend the deck was our project. But I have done very little. I helped Barry a little bit yesterday and again today. But then I came in, I really wanted to work on the DB. And I DID. But this is a breather...
...
...
...
After I finish this DB project I am NOT taking on any other freelance projects. Even though the extra money is nice, I really need to dedicate my time to our house. Next week we are renting a dumpster and are cleaning out the basement and the attic. I am actually looking forward to that -- I WANT to get rid of stuff. After we get rid of the junk and reorganize what we are keeping the next step will be to hire someone to remove the old oil tank in the basement. Then, we are going to paint the entire basement 00 high gloss cement grey. Even though that is not "finishing" the basement at least it will be easier to keep it clean until such time as...

and with that I am ending this post.

Long time no write...

2008-02-28T22:33:00.002-05:00

Well...after my last post, I did get dressed and go to work -- only, I never actually made it to work! Instead, on my way to the bus I tripped on an uneven sidewalk and fell and broke my left hand in two places and dislocated a finger. Since I am a lefty, this was truly disabling.

When I fell, I had put my hand out to break my fall, but the awkwardness of falling while carrying my shoulderbag, and a bag with my lunch in it, wearing a long winter coat - I tumbled so that instead of the hand breaking my fall, my body broke my hand! I felt it break, I felt the crack of the bone and I screamed.

A friend happened to be waiting at the bus stop and witnessed my fall and he came to my aid -- using his cell to call 911. The bus driver also stopped the bus, and got out to help me. But no one could help. I lay on the pavement, curled up in the fetal position, cradling my hand and whimpering. After a while I braved sitting up. Thank G-d I had been wearing gloves because otherwise I would have also had to suffer scrapes and pieces of pavement stuck into my skin. As it was both my gloves were shredded in the fall! And they were leather gloves.

Finally, the ambulance came and the two EMT's, who were really YOUNG, helped me into the amblance for a ride to the ER. Before we could pull away, a police officer came and took my info down for a report.

At the hospital I was put into what was called the Cast Room. (For the cast of the TV series ER?) -- and then, it seemed, forgotten about. Finally, after just sitting there by myself, in pain, for a while, I got up and went out to the doctor's/nurse's station and asked for some pain killers. At first they offered me Motrin but I turned that down and asked for 2 Tylenol w/Codeine #3 tablets. They brought me one. I asked for a second one and they gave it to me.

Now, I was thinking about how to get in touch with my husband. He was in shul but would be home soon. He works from home and when he is working he does not answer the home phone. I could not remember his cell phone number. The only way I could think ot get him would be to send him an email.

Again, I went out to the doctor's/nurse's station (now remember, I still have not been seen, and am still cradling my left hand in my right) and asked if someone could please send an email to my husband. At first they said no (why???), but I was persistent so finally they asked an orderly to help me. He opened up gmail and I gave him my log in info. Then I dictated an email to be sent to my husband -- the whole message in the subject line:

"I am at ---- Hospital emergency room, hurt my hand, please come."

In less than 15 minutes my husband was there!

(Time for me to break and go to bed, will continue this next post...)

More on Chloe's wedding

2008-01-31T06:06:00.000-05:00

I know I have barely posted anything about this. And, one would think thatI would have much to say about a trip to Israel in which I married off my daughter.

First off, let me say this: it was an AMAZING wedding. Yes, the hall was beautiful (I do recommend Shaar Yerushalayim as a really nice place to make a simcha -- but I did not particularly care for Zusha - he is the person who coordinates all the events at the hotel.)

The flowers were beautiful -- the arrangements on the tables were simple: long and tall and narrow clear glass vases with long long stemmed white lilies, about 4 per vase. The arrangements for the chuppah, the bedecken, etc, were more ornate, large, using mostly the white lilies, and roses, greenery and more. I am sure we will have pics of them soon.

There were about 250 people in attendance, and enough of my own friends and family to make me feel comfortable (THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO CAME!!!). The music was great, it was an Israeli-Irish music band (hows that for amazing combination?). They even had a harpist, who happened to be a friend of theirs and so that part of the music was a gift.

There was an amazing cake, that had 4 tiers of two layers each, with completely realistic look flowers and greens on it -- that were made of sugar! The top most tier had flowers "painted" on the top. When I saw the cake the first thing that came to mind was, "I do not remember ordering this", and the second thing was, "This is going to be very expensive!". Then, I was introduced to the cake maker (baker?), and was told that the cake was a gift (and of course, great promotion for him!). We were unable to cut and eat the cake in the hall due to hechsherim (kashrut) issues. (Yes, the cake was kosher, but not "hechshered" -- or at least not according to the one that the Hotel accepts). However, we did get to eat the cake AFTER the wedding, and were eating it all week long, until after the final Sheva Brachot in Nof Ayalon! And, not only did this cake LOOK good, but it TASTED great! (I will post his info here later).

The physical chuppah leaned a little like the Leaning Tower of Pisa and I asked that it be straightened but Zusha insisted that it could not be done. I was not happy with his response.

The Chuppah, the ceremony, was beautiful. The seder of the Chuppah was like nothing I had ever experienced but it was PERFECT. The breaking of the glass occurred in the middle, before the Brachot, and was a somber moment -- NOT accompanied by cheers of Mazal Tov -- which actually makes more sense given that the breaking of the glass is supposed to represent the destruction of the Temple!

Jonathan attends a Yeshiva in Petach Tikva and so all (at least it SEEMED like all) the Yeshiva boys were in attendance, and between each ritual of the Chuppah they sang. It was so beautiful that it had my mother and me and my brother in tears -- and after the Chuppah, both my brother and I fell into each others arms, sobbing. It was really beautiful.

The Mesader Kedushin, however, never said ONE word to me and I was annoyed about that. Not even a simple Mazal Tov. I was never introduced to him nor he to me. I think that was disrespectful to both of us. He did not stay after the Chuppah. But that is normal.

There is more for me to post but I will complete this later. Now I must go and get dressed for work.

Chloe is Married!

2008-01-22T15:46:00.000-05:00

So, little by little, people have been uploading pictures of the wedding and the Sheva Brachot, in various places (Facebook, York Photos, Kodak Galleries, etc). I have been trying to accumulate all the pictures and put them in one place – Only Simchas.
You can go to http://www.onlysimchas.com/v4/index.cfm/fuseaction:simcha.view/simchaid:71997 to view the pictures. There are, to date, three galleries there. I invite you all to view the pictures, and, if you have any pictures, to send me them for inclusion in the Only Simchas Galleries.

Enjoy!

Open Letter to The Rabbinate of Israel

2008-01-20T03:37:00.000-05:00

I had the opportunity this week to accompany my daughter when she went to the Rabbinate in Jerusalem to file the final papers for her "tik". A "tik" is a file -- in this case a file for license to wed. Getting married in Israel is not as simple as it is in the US. In Israel, proof must be presented that one is truly a Jew. In the case of gerim (converts) or those who may have a non Jewish father, or whose parents (either one or both) are gerim, the Rabbinate puts additional pressure and requests for proof on them.

My daughters' father is not Jewish, but I am. Thus the Rabbinate asked for a copy of my Ketubah. I scanned and emailed said Ketubah to Chloe. She presented this to them and they then asked for the ORIGINAL. Now for those of you who know the Halacha (Jewish Law) you know that there is NO WAY I am going let my Ketubah go out of my possession, especially via a carrier service overseas!! So, it was at that point that we requested intervention by Rabbi Shaul Farber and Rabbi Yosef Adler and Rabbi Berel Wein. Rabbi Wein wrote a letter of verification of whom my daughter is and that he knows the family, etc. They finally, in the end, accepted the letter.

So, this past week was just going to be a matter of filing the final paperwork. First, she had to speak to some Haredi Rebbetzin who was wearing the stiffest and ugliest wig I have ever seen. The Rebbitzin did not talk very nicely to my daughter, barely nodded to me -- and asked questions that I thought were none of her business -- all having to do with niddah, and bedikah, etc. My daughter's answers did not please her since she obviously adheres to a much more machmir (strict) observance of the halacha - and she rebuked my daughter very strongly. When she finally terminated her cross examination of my daughter she gave her a form and sent her to 'the man at the end'. So, we trudged over to 'the man at the end'. We waited on line, and waited, and waited, only to learn that it was the wrong line. We were sent to another place 'in the middle'. Again, we waited on line, and waited, and ...again the same response. We were sent back to the 'man at the end' -- only this time we perceived another door and found another person there. This apparently was who we needed to speak with. This man was downright rude. He asked for the tik number and she could not remember it but gave him her name and that of her chosson. He would not do anything without the number. (BTW, none of this was computerized -- EVERYTHING was on paper. It was a small office, and there were not THAT many files around. Finally, we called her Chosson and he gave us the number and thus were we able to do what we needed to do. But this man continued to be arrogant and rude to my daughter.

We left the office and my daughter turned to me and told me that EVERY time she has visited the Rabbinate, they have managed to make her feel worthless and stupid. She then burst into tears, sobbing. Needless to say, I was quite upset.

This is a girl whom they should be THRILLED to help. When she was born, her mother was not religious, her father was not Jewish. She went to public school until she was 9. The chances that she was going to become religious, a Zionist, make aliyah, get married to a nice Jewish boy -- at that time were slim to none!! Instead, they do their best to revile her, to make it difficult for her, to make her feel badly. What a turn off. Instead of ensuring teshuvah and thus continuity, the Rabbinate is going to be responsible for the wholesale leaving of frumkeit by young modern Jews.

Haredi Judaism, with its blinders to the outside world, with its chumras and unscalable concrete walls with barbed wire around it's version of the Torah (not a fence!), is doing much to undermine the work of modern Orthodox Judaism, which seeks to embrace all the good that the secular world has to offer, while yet adhering to the Halacha -- and remaining accessible to modern young Jews, who may yet be disenfranchised. What a shame, what a shanda!!

In Israel for Chloe's Wedding

2008-01-19T16:30:00.000-05:00

I have now been in Israel since this past Wednesday. Here are some notes:

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER fly Israir. I had actually flown Israir in the past. It was not good then. But I got suckered into a "cheap" fare. Their planes are the MOST uncomfortable planes ever. They pack us in like sardines in a can. It is HORRIBLE. And worst of all, we have to fly Israir back home -- I am SO not looking forward to that trip.
The apartment we rented is beautiful, and quite large. But it has some very serious design flaws. Let's take the master BR with bath ensuite. The wall between the bathroom and the bedroom is glass. Most of the glass is frosted so it is not completely see through, but the bottom and top of the glass is not frosted. So here are the problems with that:

When my husband goes to the bathroom, and I am sitting on the bed reading. I happen to look up and what do I see? My husbands pants down around his ankles! Now, he and I may be married, but what we do in the bathroom is PRIVATE -- and that was actually embarrassing to me! (and him, when I told him).
At night one of us may get up to use the bathroom. We turn on the bathroom light and ---- the entire BR get's lit up, thereby waking the other...NOT GOOD!
On Shabbat we usually leave a light on in our bathroom. If we did that we would never sleep since the light in the bathroom lights up the bedroom too!

The bathtub in the master bathroom needs a non skid surface or a rubber mat.
The "dood", or water heater is pitiful. You have to turn it on and wait a half an hour for hot water. So, I do that and take a shower. Now, mind you, I am not a long shower taker. But I could not have hot water long enough for my showers. Ugh.
The oven in this kitchen is absurd. It is TINY! And...it can only be on for 90 minutes at a time. It only works when the timer is set. If you do not set the timer, it does not come on. So forget about leaving it on over Shabbat to keep food warm.
The electric circuitry cannot handle too much.
There is an outlet behind the stovetop that is to be used for plugging in the plata. But it is 4 feet away from the front of the counter and up under the cabinet. One must climb onto a chair and perform a contortionist routine in order to reach the outlet and have enough leverage to insert the plug into the outlet!!
We lost power twice: the first time was just as I was about light candles for Shabbat and it was already late! The second time occured in the middle of Shabbat thereby necessitating a change of venue for the Seudat Shlishit/Havdalah. We split into 2 groups: the kids went to Tzippy and Gedaliah's place and the grownups went to the Cottrells rented apartment.

Anyway, I am tired and there IS more to tell but that will have to wait.

What I am wearing for the wedding, redux

2008-01-14T23:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, so my friends are asking what am I wearing for my daughters wedding. And since there is nothing better than pictures, this is my answer. First, I am wearing this gown:

Over this gown I am wearing this sweater:

I am wearing the following shoes with this:

and I will be wearing my long, curly fall, curled really kinkily, with this headband, in dark brown:

2008-01-13T15:32:00.000-05:00

Below is an article reporting on the refusal of Ms. Magazine to publish an ad submitted by the AJC. The ad highlights 3 very powerful women in Israeli politcal society, and states simply, "This is Israel". In the article, surprise is expressed at this (knowing Ms. magazine I am NOT surprised, but yet, disappointed). It is truly amazing in light of the fact that Ms. magazine has no qualms accepting ads or publishing articles that are pro-Arab, pro-Palestinian. And this, even though women are so horribly mistreated in the majority of Arab controlled Middle East countries, but in Israel, they are not only better treated, but enjoy rights to education, to employment, to political involvement -- something one would thing Ms. magazine would applaud.

According to The Prism Group, "The lack of female participation is noticeable throughout Arab/Islamic states in the Middle East and Northern Africa. The difference is most marked when contrasted with Israel – the only democracy in the Middle East - that also has a sizeable Arab minority with democratic rights. In the last few years Israel has seen record numbers of women move into decision-making positions. Sixteen out of 120 members of the Knesset are women, including three ministers and two deputy ministers. Three women now serve as justices on the Supreme Court and 36 are district court judges. The State Attorney is also a woman. Golda Meir was Israel’s fourth prime minister – and only the second female prime minister in the world. (The Advancement of the Status of Women, R. Werczberger, Research and Information Center, The Knesset, Israel, 2001)"

Read article below for more info about the Ms. magazine abhorrent action, and further below for info on how to contact Ms. and express your dismay and disappointment in their publication.
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Ms. Magazine Blocks Ad Because It Is Pro-Israel January 10, 2008

Ms. Magazine has long been in the forefront of the fight for equal rights and equal opportunities for women. Apparently that is not the case if the women happen to be Israeli. The magazine has turned down an AJCongress advertisement that did nothing more controversial than call attention to the fact that women currently occupy three of the most significant positions of power in Israeli public life.
Click here to see the ad. http://www.ajcongress.org/site/DocServer/Ms.pdf?docID=1961

The proposed ad included a text that merely said, “This is Israel,” under photographs of President of the Supreme Court Dorit Beinish, Vice Prime Minister and Minister for Foreign Affairs Tzipi Livni and Knesset Speaker Dalia Itzik. “What other conclusion can we reach,” asked Richard Gordon, President of AJCongress, “except that the publishers − and if the publishers are right, a significant number of Ms. Magazine readers − are so hostile to Israel that they do not even want to see an ad that says something positive about Israel?”

When Director of AJCongress’ Commission for Women’s Empowerment Harriet Kurlander tried to place the ad, she was told that publishing the ad “will set off a firestorm” and that “there are very strong opinions” on the subject − the subject presumably being whether or not one can say anythingpositive about Israel. Ms. Magazine publisher Eleanor Smeal failed to respond to a signed-for certified letter with a copy of the ad as well as numerous calls by Mr. Gordon over a period of weeks.

A Ms. Magazine representative, Susie Gilligan, whom the Ms. Magazine masthead lists under the publisher’s office, told Ms. Kurlander that the magazine “would love to have an ad from you on women’s empowerment, or reproductive freedom, but not on this.” Ms. Gilligan failed to elaborate what “this”is.

“The only conclusion that one can reach from this behavior is that Ms. Magazine feels that an ad highlighting the accomplishments of three incredibly talented and dedicated women would offend their readership. Since there is nothing about the ad itself that is offensive, it is obviously the nationality of the women pictured that the management of Ms. fears their readership would find objectionable. For a publication that holds itself out to be in the forefront of the Women’s Movement, this is nothing short of disgusting and despicable,” stated Mr. Gordon.

Ms. Magazine has a long record of publishing advertisements rallying readers to support reproductive choice; opposing the Religious Right; highlighting the fragility of the pro-Roe v. Wade majority on the Supreme Court; charging that “Pat Robertson and his Religious Right cohorts don’t like individual freedom;” announcing support for the “struggle for freedom and human rights;” opposing the Bush administration’s campaign to fill federal courts with judges who “will reverse decades of progress on reproductive rights and privacy, civil rights, religious liberty, environmental protection and so much more;” as well as accusing the Bush administration of being “bent on rewarding big corporations and the rich, turning back the clock on women’s rights and civil rights, and promoting a U.S. empire abroad.”

“This flagship publication of the American women’s empowerment movement publishes ads that are controversial in the general culture but not so among its readership,” Ms. Kurlander said. “Obviously, Ms. believes our ad would enflame a significant portion of their readers.”Mr. Gordon added, “What really amazes me is that just recently, in their Winter 2007 issue, Ms. ran a cover story with a picture of Congresswomen Nancy Pelosi with the heading in big letters: “This is What a Speaker Looks Like.” While Ms. has every reason to be proud of Speaker Pelosi and her accomplishments, as are we, the only discernable difference between Speaker Pelosi and Speaker Itzik apparently is that Speaker Pelosi is not Israeli.”

Mr. Gordon noted that while Israel was apparently too hot to handle, Ms. Magazine did not extend that taboo to Arab and Moslem women. “What is even more amazing is that, while refusing to publish a simple ad praising three very notable women, women who embody the ideal that Ms. Magazine seemingly espouses, Ms. has run a cover article in the Fall 2003 issue on Queen Noor of Jordan, has featured a number of articles on Muslim women, and even ran an article in the Winter 2004 issue entitled, ‘Images of Palestine,’ which discussed the Ramallah Film Festival and gave sympathetic reviews to films concerning ‘the liberation of South Lebanon’ from Israel as well as numerous films which portrayed terrorism as legitimate ‘revolutionary’ activity against Israel and miscast Israel’s activities to counter terrorism as ‘oppressive.’”

“Clearly Ms. has changed a great deal from the days when AJCongress members and leaders of the AJCongress’ Commission for Women’s Equality −including Betty Friedan, Bella Abzug and Ms. co-founder Letty Pogrebin − were at the forefront of the Women’s Movement that led to the creation of Ms. Magazine.”AJCongress President Gordon concluded, “Ms. has the right to turn down our ad. But in exercising that right, it has spoken loudly about itself and its readership, and their lingering hostility to Israel.”

The American Jewish Congress is a membership association of Jewish Americans, organized to defend Jewish interests at home and abroad, through public policy advocacy, in the courts, Congress, the executive branch and state and local governments. It also works overseas with others who are similarly engaged. Click here to see their PR response to this outrageous action by Ms. magazine.

Here is the contact information if you agree that this latest move by MS Magazine is an outrage:

Senior Editor Michele Kort
mkort@msmagazine.com
Advertising: Ms. magazine
Attention: Michel Cicero, Managing Editor
433 South Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
For questions regarding material: (310) 556-2515

An Open Letter to My Daughter (and her soon to be husband, Jonathan)

2008-01-13T04:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Chloe (and Jonathan):

There are things that are taught to the children, in Israel, that they should not have to learn. No child should have to learn to look for suspicious people who they think might blow up the bus that they are on. No child should have to learn how to put on a gas mask. And no child should have to learn that a siren means run for your life, because you have only seconds before there will be an explosion.

I remember, years ago, during the Gulf war, my sister who lives in Israel and had just had a baby. They needed to convert a room in their home into a "safe room" -- a room that is sealed, so no airborne poisons can enter, a room that is stocked -- with the needs of life in order to be able to live there for a while. They also needed to install a device that would seal the baby's crib, since the baby could not wear a gas mask. The other children all had gas masks and she had to teach them how to wear them.

I remember her telling us about all this. I remember how my mother cried to learn of it and how I shuddered. Chloe, you were a little girl back then. Wetold you, too, what your cousins were going through. I do not remember your reaction.

But we Jews are a hardy people (some say "stiff necked") -- we go back, we stay, we make our homes there. And we know the dangers. You, Chloe, as a little girl, and then again as a young teenager, went to visit your cousins in Israel with you grandparents, and you fell in love with Israel. You decided on your second visit that you wanted to go back to Israel to live.

When you completed Yeshiva HS here, you went to Israel for a year of learning at Michlelet Orot. Then, shortly after that you made aliyah. You stayed true to her decision to live in Israel. (Many years ago, I made that same decision. But for lack of familial support IN Israel, I did not stick to it -- and after 2 years in Israel I returned to the States.)

Now you have been in Israel for about 3 1/2 years. About a year ago or so, you fell in love again. This time with a boy -- a very nice boy. You surprised us with an engagement this past summer and we began planning a wedding. That wedding, IY"H, we take place one week from today -- in Eretz HaKodesh, in Ir HaKodesh.

Twenty one years ago, when you were born, if someone had told me that my daughter would make aliyah and make her life in Israel, I would have laughed at them. After all, I was not religious, your father was not Jewish. So, life is funny, life is unpredictable -- and there are both good and bad things that can happen.

This is one of the BEST things.

Chloe and Jonathan -- I love you and hope you both have lives full of love, happiness, health, and mazel.

Love,

Mommy

Can We Trust the US to reALLY be Israel's ALLY?

2008-01-07T14:18:00.000-05:00

Soon President Bush will visit Jerusalem. (And I will be in Israel hot on his heels -- we leave for Israel the same day he leaves Israel -- albeit for different reasons!!)

Below is an article that points out some of the tensions surrounding his upcoming visit:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bush Visit and Tensions in the U.S.-Israel Relationship
- Gerald M. Steinberg (Institute for Contemporary
Affairs/Jerusalem Center for Public Affairs)

The December "surprise" resulting from the publication of the U.S. National Intelligence Estimate disrupted fifteen years of Israeli policy based on working with the international coalition to pressure Iran to drop its nuclear weapons program through sanctions and the threat of military action, and has reminded Israelis of the limits of American security guarantees and strategic cooperation.
Within two weeks following publication of the NIE report, China signed a major contract on energy development and supply with Iran, and Russia quickly dispatched two shipments of nuclear fuel for the Bushehr nuclear reactor. Egypt moved to improve relations with Iran, and Saudi Arabia welcomed Iranian President Ahmadinejad to Mecca for the Haj.
Prime Minister Olmert had explained the logic of the "Annapolis process" in terms of the coalition to stop Iran, but two weeks after Annapolis, with the release of the NIE report, this rationale has lost much of its relevance.
Another source of stress comes from differences over renewed U.S. efforts to forge a quick agreement with the Palestinian Authority at a time of continued terrorism, the violent conflict between Fatah and Hamas, the failure to develop functioning Palestinian institutions, and the PA's ongoing incitement and rejection of the legitimacy of a Jewish state.
In addition, the overall decline of U.S. influence, as reflected in Iraq, the return of Russia as a world power, the chaos in Pakistan, and other developments, has highlighted the limits of Israeli reliance on American assistance, and the need for Israel to maintain an independent capability to act when necessary.

The writer is head of the Political Studies Department at Bar-Ilan University, a Fellow of the Jerusalem Center for Public Affairs, and Executive Director of NGO Monitor.

Shul Website

2008-01-02T23:22:00.000-05:00

I am the webmaster (mistress?) of my shul's website (http://www.arzeidarom.org/). For the most part I simply place content given to me on the site. But, sometimes, I create some of the content, mostly out of frustration waiting to get content from various members, that is never forthcoming.

I designed the entire website, and it is my "baby". It is at this moment, sadly out of date -- due to the lack of content given me. Actually, truth be told, I had the content but it was handed to me in hard copy and I simply did not have the time to spend manually typing it all out. However, that is changing -- we now have a new person who is working with our communication committee and he is very gung ho and hopeful. I have already been given much content in electronic format, thus making my job much easier. However, I cannot upload said content until we get approval from the required parties. I anticipate that the site will be updated by mid-week next week. So watch..

In the meantime I have been having an ongoing "discussion" (for lack of a better word) with another member who is practically anti-website. This person finds reasons at every turn not to publish anything on the site. I find it to be maddening.

I created a rebuttal, below to this persons constant harping against the site.

Rebuttal:

We should not assume that we should be like that cozy little coffee shop with books and comfortable seating which one randomly encounters and then patronizes regularly, gets to know the regulars, and keeps the knowledge of our shul a secret because that would ruin the experience.

Our shul should be making an effort to stand out where it can be seen. Some of the people who might come to our shul will initially look online. That is the best reason to have a website, right there. (And to the person who says, “Oh, no one around here would do that,” the correct response is “By not making shul available and accessible online, you’ve actually guaranteed that no one will.” Online access has increased at a rate that indicates that the people we want to reach are very likely looking for our shul online.)

Not only that, but these are visitors who have already set out to find our shul in one way or another. They’re not just randomly surfing the ‘net, but they are looking for our shul. Many people who set about looking for a shul online come from a sector of people who are interested in joining a shul of young, upwardly mobile religious Jews in the Teaneck area.

So our taking the simple step of putting a web page in the World Wide Web, with directions, davening times, and a user-friendly design, our shul will significantly increase the likelihood of being available to a would-be visitor (who could be a potential future member) when that visitor comes looking.

Part of the value of a web page is that it is a public self-definition of our kehilla: “This is who we are, and what we stand for.” That definition serves not only to invite (or fend off) visitors and potential future members, but it also serves to help our own kehilla recognize its own reflection in the mirror of the culture.

The attention that an effective web site requires grows from, develops, nourishes, articulates, and extends the very energies that contribute to our vital community life. A web site should be all about communication, quite public communication. A good site helps a kehilla with an overview of what’s going on. It provides visitors with a sense of what kinds of people and interests they’re likely to meet. Through the website we can signal much that our visitor(s) may care about by how we characterize our shul culture and events.

An easily-constructed, frequently-updated web site expresses, generates, reflects, and encourages a conversational sense of what the kehilla is about. A living kehilla partakes of many of the characteristics of a good, long, satisfying conversation; why not permit those positive characteristics to show online?

Now, having said all that, I must add a warning: having a website designed chiefly to attract newcomers to our brick-and-mortar site is worse than having no Internet presence at all. Let me explain.

A website intended to serve two audiences should have features for members (newsletters, events calendar, event updates, committee updates, and contact information) and features for visitors (area map and directions, photo of the shul, "frequently asked questions" and youth committee contacts). Increasingly, our web page may be the only glimpse people ever have of our kehilla. We should at least spend as much time and energy on our website as we would on our shul building’s design

An online community cannot replace the power and richness of "real world" community interactions. However, using the Internet can promote the benefits of technologies—such as Instant Messaging, Skype, VOIP Phone calls, email, forums—between parties living vast distances from one another, providing opportunities for contact not otherwise practical or even possible. Furthermore, when operating within a moral framework, OUR moral framework, our online community can become a valuable and constructive tool, especially as a supplement to, or extension of our real world community.

Music to his ears

2008-01-02T09:41:00.000-05:00

ST LUCIA'S Bill Raymond is the first cochlear implant recipient to become an audiologist in Australia.Having graduated from the University of Queensland, the 24-year-old said it was an ``incredible achievement''. Born with a severe hearing disability, Mr Raymond received the implant when he was 13, after his hearing deteriorated and hearing aids could no longer be of assistance. ``I was extremely unhappy. I felt very isolated.``I had been doing quite well at school, but the teachers didn't bother talking to me,'' Mr Raymond said.``I just read a book in the corner and my friends got sick of repeating the punchline to their jokes. ``I stopped going to their houses and was painfully shy.'' A cochlear implant is a surgically implanted device which transforms sound into electrical impulses.These are then transmitted to the brain for decoding.In 1996, after a two-hour operation, he received the implant through keyhole surgery.``The first time the implant was turned on, mum spoke to me.``Her voice should have been the most natural sound in the world, but it sounded like breaking glass and I cried,'' he said. Now an audiologist at Auchenflower's Hear and Say Centre, Mr Raymond said the progress of technology had helped him further his dream.``I am able to identify with patients who have hearing loss,'' Mr Raymond said.``I never had a hearing impaired audiologist. Now I can look the kids in the eye and say my hearing is as bad or worse than theirs.''He said while at school, he went from being the kid who talked to no-one, to school captain of his primary school. ``I won English subject prizes and competitions, and received a Young Citizen of the Year Award for the Pittsworth Shire,'' Mr Raymond said.``I'm really grateful to the people who have helped along the way especially my parents and various professionals."

More on The Saturday Wife

2008-01-01T16:54:00.000-05:00

Orthomom published her review of Naomi Ragen's "The Saturday Wife". For those of you who read my blog, you know that I reviewed it as well (See The Saturday Wife). I fear that Orthomom did not see the book for what it is: a satire...

Jewish Deaf Motorcyclist Dad

2008-01-01T16:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, here is a rather interesting blog. The four words: Jewish Deaf Motorcyclist Dad are what defines this blogger. That is not too much different from what defines me. I think of myself as a Woman, Modern Orthodox, Hearing Impaired, Mother, Wife, Zionist, ....I could actually go on. But those first words are the most defining ones for my life.

Anyway, I thought my readers might be interested in this particular entry of his -- he discusses a rather interesting conundrum for himself. Click on the title to this entry to view...

Bike for Shalva

2007-12-31T16:45:00.000-05:00

Now here is a combination of enjoyment that I REALLY like: bicycling and wine (and good food!).

Imagine riding a bicycle through the unbelievably gorgeous Israeli countryside, with like minded people, getting a great workout, just right for working up a hearty appetite. During the ride you make a stop or two, visiting the country’s top wineries, touring their facilities, and meeting several of their top wine critics who will regale you with stories and tidbits about ancient techniques and modern trends in wine production.

At the end of the day, after a nice hot shower, you head out for a gourmet meal, with delectable wine tastings and desserts. The next day, you get up, and do it all over again. Now, add to that picture, that whilst you are enjoying yourself to the hilt, and getting into great shape, making new friends, learning new things, you are also raising funds for Israel’s premiere organization for mentally and physically challenged children – SHALVA.

So, now, while you are having a good time, you are also doing good – engaged in the work of “tikkun olam” (fixing the world) and “chesed” (kindness). What could be better?

If this intrigues you, check out http://www.bike4shalva.org/ for more information on where to sign up…

Energizer Hearing Aid Batteries vs. Immorality

2007-12-27T13:01:00.001-05:00

Energizer is giving away FREE hearing aid a CI batteries. That's right -- FREE batteries. No catch. You go to http://offers.energizer.com/perfpack/ and sign up to receive your pack of free batteries. You can even choose which kind you need. But it is supposed to be a one pack per person giveaway. On a listserv in which I participate it was suggested that one use other family members or friends to sign up for a free pack and then give the free pack to you. Following that suggestion was a comment that it was immoral. Following THAT comment was the following comment:

"Actually, trying to take advantage of the battery company fits in pretty well with what I read on here. People looking for every benefit available, trying to force other people to do things for our benefit at their expense...."

I had to respond to that last one:

Hmmm, interesting. My husband and I recently had a rather long
discussion of what is considered reasonable accommodation.

Truth is: everyone does what is in their own best interests. People
who advocate for the disabled generally are either disabled
themselves, or are close to someone who is -- either family or
friends.

No one just out of the blue decides to advocate for the disabled. That would be crazy -- because of course there is a cost to doing that.

My shul for instance: We are building a new shul. We are required to
make it wheelchair accessible. That adds a real cost to our budget.
Never mind that there is no on in the membership who is in a
wheelchair, right? (Wrong, but I am just playing devil's advocate here -- yeah, I am advocating for him of all people!).

And the mechitza (the divider between the men's' and women's' (sections) must accommodate hearing impaired women who need to see in
order to hear -- never mind the fact that there is only ONE person who
actually needs that.

I could go on. NO ONE would ever consider making their business,
home, or public space 100% accessible to all people -- it is not
do-able -- unless it is mandated. The ADA pretty much took care of
that but not wholly -- some of its wording is too ambiguous -- and
there are loopholes for organizations to take advantage of. And, as
discussed in previous posts, the smaller "mom and pop' places are
exempt due to the prohibitive cost of making their places accessible.

But is this comparable to finding a way around the giveaway of free
batteries, intended to be one pack per person? Nah. To be sure, the
manipulation of the system to get more than one pack per person IS
unethical. Immoral? No. Unethical? Yes. Perhaps I am splitting
hairs, but there IS a difference.

Comments, anyone?

(01/01/2008 Update: Energizer was contacted with regard to this promo and stated that it is NOT meant to be 1 pack per person. One may sign up for a free pack as many times as one wishes, as long as one waits 24 hours between sign ups! So, no one is taking advantage of anyone here...)

Israeli Folk Dancing...

2007-12-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

Below is an email exchange I had with another participant in the CI Forum in which I participate. I am sharing it here because I found it to be funny and it made me laugh. The first posting was in response to someone stating that there is a general misconception in the world that deaf people cannot dance.

From: Deborah C
Sent: Thursday, December 06, 2007 11:06 PM
To: FORUM@LISTS.NUCLEUSCI.COM
Subject: Re: Deaf can't Dance..

That was me I was talking about my friend, whom I met at Israeli folk dancing.

I am so glad you broke through that stereotype!...and sorry you are not feeling able to dance as you did.

Pictures?
Deb

--- Rachel Stern rsusselj@OPTONLINE.NET wrote:

Yeah, I DO have pictures of me dancing on stage -- somewhere, buried
amidst the detritus of my life.

I thought it was you. I have WAAAAAAYY too much email in my inbox to
keep straight.

I started with folk dancing, including Israeli folk dancing.
Interestingly enough I do not really like Israeli folk dancing.
Israeli folk dancing has
too many parts:

Part 1: combination of these four steps
Part 2: combination of those four steps
Part 3: combination of this and that step
Part 12: combination of part 6 and part 7 plus an additional step
Part 18: do the twist, and the hokey pokey, wave your hand and go
back to part 1
Part 19: HUH? I cannot remember part 1!!!

:-P
Rachel

-----Original Message-----
From: Deborah C
Sent: Friday, December 07, 2007 12:12 AM
To: FORUM@LISTS.NUCLEUSCI.COM
Subject: Re: Deaf can't Dance..

Are you trying to kill me over here? LOL I'm hysterical over here...I imagine that was funny even if a person has never done a step of Israeli dance...but I was really into it about 10 years ago, and that IS how it is! Thanks! I really need to try it with my CI...I have had some chronic pain issues that kept me away for a long time, but I think I can do some of the easier dances now.
Deb

Ranting Request...

2007-12-25T15:33:00.000-05:00

Calling all office managers, copy machine users, mailing personnel! I am in need of the following item: Multifunction Color Laser Copier with high capacity multipurpose input tray.

I need this for my place of employment. We frequently do mass mailings and I thus need to print addresses on the envelopes. Please do not suggest we outsource this. We DO outsource the three largest mailings. But I see no reason to outsource mailings of up to 5000 pieces or fewer. Besides, I find that I can create nicer looking envelopes when I print them inhouse. When we are sending out fancy invitations to a 10k plate dinner -- I think nicer looking addressing is important.

We print on various size envelopes from standard COM10's , to 8 x 8 squares, and 4 x 6 sizes, and various other sizes in between. Most machines I see have a multipurpose tray with a capacity of about 100 sheets -- which translates to 50 envelopes, approximately. This is not good when I am printing several thousand envelopes. I would even be happy with an input/output capacity of 100 envelopes at a time, but higher capacity would be better.

I have tested special machines for envelopes in the past but have hated them. I have to adjust this lever for width, this lever for height, that lever for angle, each printer head for alignment, that knob for spacing, this knob for vertical space, that knob for horizontal space, and so on and so forth. I HATE this. Why can't there be either a copier with a special high capacity multipurpose drawer for envelopes or a desktop printer, that works like a regular desktop printer but with a higher capacity tray that will allow me feed it at least 100 or more envelopes at a time? What the dickens is so hard about that? Why can I not find this? Are the manufacturers of the desktop printers so afraid to step on the toes of the envelope printer manufacturers? And furthermore, why would anyone WANT an envelope printer that requires a million physical adjustments, and testing of about 100 envelopes before one gets it right -- and to pay in excess of $3k for that privilege?

GRRR! Ok, fess up you technogeekineers who have information about what I want! Please, this is no time to keep secrets!

Thank you!

Update from the founder of Shalva, Kalman Samuels

2007-12-24T08:29:00.000-05:00

CLICK ON IMAGE BELOW TO VIEW READABLE VERSION!

More about Shalva -- an exciting adventure we are planning!

2007-12-24T08:19:00.000-05:00

NOTE: Picture will not be clear here. Just click on the image to see the webpage with more info...

Closed Captioning Films, redux

2007-12-23T08:49:00.000-05:00

This was in response to a posting citing the resistance of hearing people to captioning:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would also like to relate a couple of things:
1) My husband and I go upstate NY to a bungalow colony every weekend in the summer. Every Sat night, a movie is shown. When we first started going there (8 years ago) the movies were still on reels! Then they switched to video and finally, a few years ago to DVD's. Once they switched to DVD's I knew that they could use the CC/subtitles feature. So, I requested that they do so for me. There were some grumblings initially about it but they did it. Then, the following weekend we did not make it upstate for some reason. I heard, via my SIL, that when they put on the movie that week, initially they did not put on the CC, until several people shouted out that they wanted it! Now they use the CC all the time -- even hearing people like it because they too, miss things.
2) Several of our friends and family who have had the opportunity to sit and watch TV with us have experienced the CC -- and many of them tell me that now they use the CC all the time too. They are all hearing people...
So...the couple who did not want to see a CC movie don't know what they are missing! Too bad for them.

Hearing in Shul (or church)

2007-12-23T08:43:00.000-05:00

A discussion ensued on the list on the best solutions for hearing in a situation such as one as being in church. Most solutions centered on the use of ALD's (Assistive Listening Devices) -- all of which are prohibited for use on Shabbat by Halacha (Jewish Law). I thus posted about my experience a brief encapsulation:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I must share with you a little bit of my experience. As an Orthodox Jew, I face a pretty big problem when going to shul to pray. Men and women sit separately. There is usually a physical barrier between the men's section and the women's section. In some shuls, the women sit behind the men, in others the women's section is to one side of the shul and the men's section to the other side (usually, the men's side is bigger). In other shuls the women's section will flank the men's section (two women's sections, with the men's section in the middle). In some shul's the women sit up in a balcony.
In many shul's the divider, called a Mechitza, actually blocks the view of one side to the other. But there are many which use semi-sheer curtains, or darkened glass, or crosshatched panels as dividers.
As you can imagine, in all cases the mechitza is truly a barrier for someone like me who cannot hear and must read lips. I need both proximity to the sound and the view, and my view needs to be unobstructed, in order for me to hear well. Everytime I go to a new shul I am fraught with worry about whether or not I will be able to hear well enough to understand.
My husband and I, when we moved to our current home, became involved in the founding and formation of a new shul. As a result, for the first time in my life, I have had a say in the design of the shul and the mechitza. It was not an easy thing, though. In the beginning, there was some resentment and grumbling about designing a mechitza to meet the needs of only one person. (Forget about that fact that such design would not thwart the needs of anyone else!). However, our shul went through some major crises which resulted in the leaving from our shul of a core group of people -- all whom were those in opposition to a design that would work for me. The group of people who are still with us, are very open to working with me on the design -- so much so, in fact, that we ditched the temporary mechitza that had originally been built (behind my back and without my input and installed without any warning to me, and was completely unworkable for me-- I CRIED the day I went to shul and found it installed!) -- and three of us (myself, and two other people) did the work of designing, producing, and installing a new mechitza that works very well for me. It uses a lace curtain at the top, that is semi-sheer, and that I can slide open during the Rabbi's sermon.

Do deaf people not hear? or are they not "paying attention"?

2007-12-23T08:39:00.000-05:00

This was my response to a post from a member complaining how her family always accuses her of not paying attention:

------------------------------------------------------------------

I really wanted to respond to your comments about "shutting down" and your family thinking that "..you were not paying attention...". As an HOH person I well understand this. First of all, as an HOH person, if I want to get meaning from my life in terms of what I hear, it means I must ACTIVELY listen, all the time. ACTIVE listening is actually HARD work -- this is something that most hearing people do not understand. It is TIRING. Thus, I have found that even in the midst of a good party, I can become tired easily, and it is easier for us, than most, to slip into our own reverie, or even, horror of horrors, find ourselves nodding, when everyone else is talking! If you are surrounded by fast paced conversations (multiple conversations) it is hard to follow -- so the "shut down" effect occurs. This, in turn, leads others to believe that you are purposely "not paying attention". I am sure you understand all this. I just thought putting it into explicit words might help you find the words to explain to your family what you go through. I remember being told by my mother, that teachers would complain to her that I must be turning my HA's off, because I do not seem to be paying attention to them. I was shocked when she told me that -- because at no time do I remember purposely turning my HA's off -- even as a young child! In retrospect, I believe I may have "shut down" as a result of the enormous effort involved in active listening -- and thus appeared as if I were not "paying attention".

Julie Andrews turns 69!

2007-12-23T08:32:00.000-05:00

I received this via the listserv:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist,Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". Here are the lyrics she used:

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
(Sing It!) - if you sing it, it’s especially hysterical!!!

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.)

Deaf people can't dance...says who???

2007-12-23T08:28:00.000-05:00

Response to posting about the concept that deaf people can't dance:
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In an earlier post, I forget who posted, someone mentioned about the misconception that many people have that deaf people cannot dance. That is so true and I think my own mother must have swallowed that "bubbe meiseh" (Yiddish for Old Wives Tale).

As a child I only wanted dance lessons. My mother signed me up for Baton Twirling lessons. The teacher had decided before I began the class that I would not be able to do it because I could not hear. She was right -- she never made any accommodation for me(such as making sure I could see her when she gave the explanations!)

I still wanted dance lessons. My mother signed me up for violin lessons. I do not play the violin.

I still wanted dance lessons. My mother signed me up for piano lessons. I do not play the piano.

I still wanted dance lessons. My mother signed me up for guitar lessons. I do not play the guitar.

I still wanted dance lessons...

I cannot pick out a note if my life depended on it, BUT, I CAN move my body

1. When I was in HS, I attended a few of the school dances. I got up to dance and was surrounded by a bunch of the black kids in my class who were shocked to see a white chick who could dance (this is back in the 70's) It was fun!
2. When I was in HS, I participated in an extracurricular folk dancing class. The teacher thought I was particularly good and asked me to join his troupe.
3. When I turned 21, I began seeking out dance workshops and activities. I became an excellent dancer: I did international folk dancing, square and contra dancing, Cajun/zydeco dancing, swing dancing (my favorite!), other kinds of ballroom dancing, belly dancing, and West African dance, and even some hip hop. In 1996, I hurt my back and my early onset arthritis was aggravated. I have not been able to return to that level of dancing so now I rarely dance but miss it.

I have performed on stage numerous times.

WHO says deaf people can't dance???

How many deaf/hard of hearing in the US??

2007-12-23T08:20:00.000-05:00

This post was in response to poster claiming that we (deaf and hard of hearing people) represent less than 1% of the population of the US -- a statistic that is so completely wrong. The discussion was about that fact that we represent enough of a subsection of the population so as to be a crucial market that businesses should be catering to us -- but for some reason are not. I suspect unity, or lack thereof, is the major reason...
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According to the NCHS (National Center for Health Statistics) in 2005 there were 36.5 million non institutionalized adults with hearing impairments -- which represented 17% of the population of the US (non institutionalized population).

That was in 2005. I do believe those numbers have increased a bit now in 2007. We are far more than less than 1%!!!

And those numbers do not include children!

I think we have the numbers to be a market to be reckoned with.

When I was growing up, true, choices of technological aids were far more limited. But -- back then all hearing aids and all telephones were basically created equal. For a very short time public telephones were being put in place that were not compatible with hearing aids. These became outlawed, and by law all public telephones had to be HA compatible. This was back when Superman still had a booth to change in!

I remember that I could go anywhere and pick up any phone and my hearing aids would work (using the T-coil) on all phones. I also remember that I was able to watch TV, and go to the movies and I did not need captioning. My hearing has not gotten worse. Technology has -- with technological advances new cinematography could be utilized. Off screen dialogue, "realistic" background sounds, soundtracks, overlapping dialogue, etc -- all these have killed my ability to understand TV and films. It took years to make CC available. At first one needed to spend money on additional equipment in order to get the CC. Now, all TV's, VCR's and DVD's will play captioning. Theaters are WAY behind on this. And when they do provide accommodation, they look for the cheapest alternative, and seem to do so grudgingly, giving me a choice of maybe two films out of 16 or 20 to see with CC. Many times the CC does not work. And, my experience too, has been that many people with "normal" hearing, who at first may protest having the CC on, when they experience it, they end up liking it because that way they realize, they do not miss anything!

And now, the internet. At first this has seemed like a wonderful thing -- and it IS. I love it. I met my husband via the internet. I got all my better paying jobs via the internet. And I have made many friends via the internet. But now streaming is bringing whole TV shows and movies and videos to the internet -- and virtually none of them are captioned. The laws of accessibility do not cover the internet because the internet came along after the ADA! It is frustrating.

I agree with you -- amazing things have happened for us. But I want more -- I always want more. I do not think we can ever rest on our laurels and be happy with what we are given --

Posting from another listserv. Subject: SHALVA

2007-12-23T08:09:00.000-05:00

I belong to an email list serv called 'Forum@LISTS.NUCLEUSCI.COM' and I have posted several items relating to myself. I received several comments about how good my posts were and thus I am posting those items here. The next several posts will be from the list. Enjoy!
(Some of the info in the posts duplicates parts of earlier posts I made to this blog...)
The first posting I am entering is a description of the organization for which I work... and what we do in the office here in the US...
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Shalva is the Association for Mentally and Physically Challenged Children in Israel. All their services are provided FREE of charge. Currently, they have a main 7 story facility in Har Nof, Jerusalem which is an amazing place and two satellite facilities in outlying areas.
We are building a new building, the groundbreaking was just this past August. When complete, it will be the largest facility of its kind in the entire Middle East. Shalva provides services to children without regard for their racial, religious, or ethnic backgrounds -- we serve Jewish, Israeli, Christian, Arab, Palestinian and others.
Shalva came about as a result of a tragic occurrence. When Yossi Samuels, the son of the founders, was a very young boy he, along with hundreds of other children in Israel, was given a faulty DPT shot. Many of those children died. Those who didn't suffered various disabling results. He suffered by losing his hearing and his vision and became extremely hyperactive. His loss was prelingual. Trying to reach a child in this condition and give him the gift of communication is a very difficult thing to do. His parents initially came to the US, thinking we would have many more resources to help him. But they were unsuccessful here so they returned to their home in Israel. In Israel there is a woman, Shoshana Weinstock, who is herself deaf, and a teacher of the deaf. She was considered a miracle worker and they asked her to try to reach Yossi. She initially put them off as she was a bit intimidated by the big job that entailed, but they finally prevailed and she went to work with Yossi. She spent many days, weeks, months with him. One day there was a "eureka" moment, where, just like Helen Keller, he "got it". The word that broke the dam was, in Hebrew, "Shulchan" which means table.
Prior to this, his mother, Malki, had made a vow, that if they could somehow reach Yossi, to bring meaning to his life, she would work to help other families in the same situation. When Shalva first started, they were given a "miklat" -- a shelter, a basement. According to the man who showed it to them "what more would children like these want?". Shalva's initial focus was on what they called the "fragile family hours" -- the time between when the children come home from school and bedtime. Families who have a child with a disability will usually find these hours riddled with stress -- instead of being able to cook a nutritious meal, eat in a relaxed manner, help the other children with their homework - they are usually spending most of their time dealing with the needs of the disabled child. Shalva provided for these families a place for these children to go during those hours, allowing these families a semblance of normalcy during these hours, allowing the other children to gain the attentions of their parents, allowing them a break. Today, Shalva does much more than just provide respite -- it provides all forms of therapies, learning environments, overnight camp experiences, and more. The provide this for children and their families -- for all kinds of disabilities: autism, downs syndrome, CP, deafness, blindness, etc. All of this: FREE.
Here in the US, we raise money to enable them to do all this. And that is what we do.

Skype Me

2007-12-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

I am posting here a link so people can call me using Skype. If I find that I am being bothered too much I will remove this link. Please only use it if you really have a good reason to call, if you have Skype and have a webcam. I really want to SEE you -- it is so much easier for me to understand when I can see your lips!

Thanks!

Further adventures with Phonak Savia Art

2007-12-09T15:55:00.000-05:00

So. I returned to the audiologist this past Tuesday for further adjustments to my HA's. I had also requested she order a remote control for me, which she did. Jobi attempted to program my HA's to communicate with the remote (and vice versa), but she was not having any luck. She called Phonak and a rep there walked her through the whole thing but it was not working, so they concluded that my right HA is a bum HA and a new one is being sent by Phonak to replace it. In the meantime --

Unbeknownst to both Jobi and me, the various programs she set in the HA's for remote control actually did get set -- and I can control them with the click of the button on the HA. And, because of that, there actually is an OFF setting -- which is great for me in terms of the halacha of using HA's.

Let me explain, first the programs: we chose to add the following programs:

telephone only which mutes sound around me
speech in noise
sound from behind

So now, when I turn on the HA's they are in the default listening program which will, or should, switch to other programs automatically based on input sensed. If I click the button once after the HA is on, it goes to the telephone only program. A second click puts me in the speech in noice program (my favorite!), and a third click allows me to hear sound from behind only. A fourth click turns them off, and a fifth click puts it back to auto (the first program). I do not mind using the button on the HA, except for the following 2 issues:

If I am wearing a headwrap (scarf) it is a pain in the neck to do that
I suspect a lot of clicking of that button will cause it to wear out

Using a remote will obviate the need for the above.

Now about the Halacha thing. For those of you who are not Jewish or not religious: Halacha means Jewish Law. Now, on Shabbat (Sabbath) we are not allowed to turn lights on/off, or any electrical thing on/off. We do not drive. We do not light matches. We do not watch TV (technically, according to Halacha, you can put a timer on your TV (as we do with lights) and watch it on Shabbat -- but it is not according to the spirit of the law and so it is strongly frowned upon and not done- at least not by anyone I know).

So this prohibition could also affect HA users. However, the Rabbeim (Rabbi's) who studied this problem came up with the following:

We CAN turn HA's on/off but only for necessity, and only with the use of an on/off switch
We can manipulate the volume or programs in the HA's
We canNOT use the battery as the on/off switch (ie; opening the battery case to turn the HA off, closing the case to turn it on)

Now this has posed a problem in recent years since most HA's do not have on/off switches anymore. Users rely on the opening/closing of the battery case to turn their HA's on/off.

So, it seems that we were able to program an "on/off program" -- which is GREAT for me. So...

I am still really enjoying my Phonak Savia Art HA's and soon I will be 5k poorer for it!

Phonak, update

2007-11-18T17:02:00.000-05:00

I am still getting used to my new HA's. We attempted, again, to see a movie, last night. Once again AMC Theaters failed me. The CC did NOT work. It was kind of frustrating. This time, however, we remained at the theater and watched the film. I just did not think it was fair to make my husband miss the movie. It was, thankfully, a slow moving dialogue movie so I was able to make sense of most of it. But it was a TERRIBLE movie -- Lions for Lambs. It had these really good actors but the script was terrible and the story was terrible. Everything was so heavily stereotyped, the story line was complety hyperbole, and it masqueraded as a left wing bourgouis academia/intelligentsia film. Ugh. Do not waste your money on it.

We did not waste our money on it (just our time). We had used two free passes to see it, which we had gotten when the CC did not work the last time. This time we earned FOUR free passes. Of course, those passes are useless if the CC does not work!!

I love these new aids. I went to a couple of shul functions over the weekend. It was noisy, but I could hear! I could carry on real conversations and follow those of others. Way cool!!

Dinner time, now, I made eggplant parm. Yumm.

Day two, Phonak

2007-11-15T10:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, day two was yesterday. What I noticed: I am definitely able to hear better in noisy situations. The hearing aids compress ambient noise and surrounding noise very well, and yet allow me to hear speech, in conversational settings. We went out to a noisy restaurant for dinner last night -- and I was able to hear and converse. I even heard the waitress!

Day three is today: I am getting more used to the phone. I do find that if I use the HA's in full telecoil mode works best and even better if I turn BOTH HA's to full telecoil mode. I really do better eliminating surrounding sounds. But, I do not see a humongous improvement, yet, in phone use. It may be that I need some tweaking of the program.

This morning I rode in on the bus with a friend and I was able to hear her really well.

This is cool.

Phonak, no, phone, ACK!!!

2007-11-13T20:08:00.000-05:00

So, today I went again to the audiologist, whose name is Jobe Schwartz, by the way. She is cool. Anyway, she gave me two new hearing aids to try, called Phonak. They are incredibly expensive -- $4800. And of course, insurance does NOT cover them. (If anyone out there would like to contribute to my hearing aid fund we would be most grateful! Email me at rsusselj@otponline.net for details on how to do so.). So, I am going to try them out for two weeks. Jobe asked me to keep track of what I am hearing and what not so I am going to use my blog here to do that.

First, she puts them on and makes a series of adjustments to them via a computer program. These are digital hearing aids -- and POWER digital aids -- I think the first of this kind. I have tried digital aids in the past but had not been too happy with them. I found that I simply could never get enough volume with them. I had been begging for power digital aids but until now I had not been aware of any. These ARE power aids, let me tell you. I have been hearing sound ALL day. It sounds like there are airplanes flying overhead constantly. But it was not unpleasant, nor did it interfere with my hearing. Also these hearing aids have a program called "EZPhone". EZPhone works by automatically detecting the magnet of a phone receiver pressed up against the ear and automatically turning on the hearing aids' telecoil which is the part of the aid that enables hearing on telephones. This is not 100% foolproof as it may not always detect the magnet so there is a button that allows one to manually turn on the telecoil. Now, there are basically 3 modes of hearing aid use: normal, normal/telephone, or telephone only. For me, personally, I have always preferred to use the telephone only mode when on the phone. I have always had a problem with hearing on the phone if I can also hear the noise around me. In the telecoil only mode, I would hear ONLY what the person on the other end of the phone was saying and not the noise around me at my end. (Of course, now with cell phones that are so sensitive that they pick up every little sound, that problem has returned.) Anyway, the default EZPhone program is a mixed normal/telecoil program and that did not work for me. So, I asked Jobe if it were possible to change the EZPhone program to automatically detect and switch to full telecoil mode. She was not sure but she called Phonak, and lo and behold! - Yes, it was possible. Phonak told her how to do it and it was done. So now, the phone rings, I pick it up and put it to my ear -- and I can hear on the phone. I no longer have to turn my hearing aid switch to telecoil first. COOL.

The thing is, I used to also turn the other hearing aid off when I was on the phone. But this time, I decided to see what would happen if I use the phone, with 1 hearing aid in full telecoil mode and the other in full normal mode. Well, it seemed to be fine. But I did not use the phone a whole lot today. We will see how it works tomorrow.

I listened to a music CD in the car. It was not so great -- for some reason the compression feature of the hearing aids kept kicking in and I would keep experiences moments of "dead time" -- like the sound of silence when a radio station suddenly loses its signal or simply stops broadcasting. I am going to watch that. With my old hearing aids (Sumo) they would compress when I would take the subway or walk the streets (of Manhattan) but these hearing aids did not do that at those times.

Soon, I am going to watch TV. I am going to experiment with watching without CC but I do not have high hopes for that. But I am keeping and open mind (and ears...)

Good night!

Am I hearing things?

2007-11-12T20:29:00.000-05:00

So, I went, finally, to the audiologist. She tested my hearing and there has been a slight degeneration of my hearing but only very slight.

So, to my surprise she said that I would most definitely be considered a candidate for a cochlear implant. And now that I know that I am scared. At this time I am pursuing new hearing aids and am going to get a bluetooth adaptor called the Eli. I am also going to get a CapTel phone to see how that works for me.

I AM going to ask to speak with someone about the cochlear implantation and find out if my insurance covers it.

If anyone can guide me with this I would be most appreciative.

I had a really negative experience last night. First, a slight backtrack: I used to go to movies with my husband but over the past couple of years I have been extremely reluctant to do so as I find I miss so much. Now that I use closed captioning I really cannot do without it. Now, of course some theaters offer a CC device, which is actually called "Rear Window captioning". I had never tried it in the past, assuming 1) it would not be particularly good, and 2) it would effectively single me out. Welll, both my assumptions were sort of right. The device works reasonably well but on screen captioning would be MUCH better. Or some way of having the captioning superimposed on the screen for me. And yes, it DOES single me out, no way out of that. Additionally, the choice of films to see and theaters with captioning is far more limited than simply going to any film at any theater. I have to find a film I like that is playing in a theater with the CC set up.

So, last night we went to the Garden State 16 to see We Own the Night. This is a brand new theater with 16 films playing at any given time and only 3 films will have CC -- and not all at the same time. We entered the theater and I adjusted the plexiglass reflector until I could clearly see the words, "Please adjust your rear glass reflector" or something to that effect. We sat through all the LOUD commercials (that kind of volume is just NOISE to me, I cannot make sense of any of it), and all the, also LOUD, coming attractions. Finally, the movie starts. No CC. I wait through the beginning credits. No CC. I give it 5 full minutes into the film. No CC. That message remains the same. I go out and get a manager. I am told not to worry they will get it up and running. I go back, sit down. Five full minutes later -- No CC. I wait another five minutes. No CC. I get up again, get the manager, who says they will fix it. I go back, wait five minutes. No CC. By now I am ready to cry. It is not like we can go to a different film or theater. it is now too late for that and I cannot sit through this film. And I have to ask my husband who can very well enjoy the film without CC to leave with me. I HATE this. WHY can't they simply have CC in ALL the theaters??? What is the effen big deal???

AAARRRGGHH!

Finally, a move on to better hearing

2007-11-02T17:26:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note: I have an appointment this coming Monday at Hackensack University Medical Center Speech and Hearing Center for an audiological exam/review. I will be assessed for new hearing aids, and also, perhaps, for my candidacy for a cochlear implant. This will be interesting. If I get new hearing aids (most likely scenario) I want them to be bluetooth equipped/enabled. I will post updates here as I have them...

Also, watch this spot for my Dating Tales of the City...

Shabbat Shalom!

The Saturday Wife

2007-10-26T16:47:00.000-04:00

I just read Naomi Ragen's latest book, "The Saturday Wife". I enjoyed reading it. I found several grammatical and spelling errors in the book -- I think she needs a new proofreader. But that is minor...

The story purports to be a satirical account of a young religious Jewish woman who wants more than she has, no matter how much she already has, and no matter what it is that she has or does not have. She wants and she wants and she wants. I am going to discuss the story here but am not going to disclose the actual story. No spoilers here. If my discussion piques your interest you can get the book here.

Seeds of discontent in her soul were planted by the culture and community in which she grows up. "Keeping up with the Steins" is the downfall here. I read this story and was very pained by it.

While the main character, Delilah, IS a caricature -- after all -- no one could be THAT clueless, And Delilah is clueless. But Delilah is slightly cunning, slightly devious, slightly stupid, even somewhat aware of herself and of others. Selfish, yes. Evil, no. Although, I do think Naomi does try to make her seem evil. Only, she is not – but the evil perpetrated is done so by the expectations she feels from the community around her.

In her attempts to fit in, to climb the social ladder, to have all that her little heart desires, Delilah spins many webs. Unfortunately, she is not smart enough to not get caught in her own webs. And that is because she is not truly evil. She is basically good, but shallow and selfish.

This is a Cinderella girl, a fairy tale believer, an old wives tale spun awkwardly out of control. A girl who believes in marrying the successful Jewish boy next door -- the successful Rabbi, lawyer, doctor, Indian chief…

We are taught at a young age that the ultimate goal in our lives is to get married – and have a big wedding, a big diamond, a big house, nannies, housekeepers, nice cars, a trip to Israel every year for Pesach (actually now it is two trips a year to Israel – for both Pesach and Sukkot), lots of children – and of course they are all angels and always wear nice clean clothing, and we get to stay home – only our husbands go out to work – and support this amazing lifestyle. We get to smile condescendingly at the women who are not so lucky to snag such a successful husband. How often I remember hearing – it is just as easy to fall in love with a rich boy as with a poor one, perhaps easier.

Within the frum community, there is a marked difference between the haves and the have nots, not only defined by what one has or does not have, but also in the way in which they and their children behave – the haves with the have nots – their interactions are painful to watch.

I have watched many a time, the adulation given by a young woman who is a “have not” to a woman who is a “have”. And have witness the snobbery as the returned affection – and the tittering – the laughter, the poking fun at – behind the poor woman’s back. I have been to affairs at which a less well off woman is seated amongst women who were quite well off – and watch the poor woman be talked over – disincluded as it were – from the surrounding conversation. After all, it is kind of difficult to include oneself in a conversation about the difficulties of hiring or keeping a good nanny, or housekeeper, or a discussion of the latest renovations underway in one’s home – if you have no nanny, housekeeper, and no prayer of a chance at renovating your very old, and in need of repairs home!

Yes folks, contrary to popular thought – Delilah is not evil. She only wants what everyone else appears to have and what we are TAUGHT to want. The evil, I say, is perpetrated by the culture and community in which we live.

Colds and Coughs, bronchitis

2007-09-30T09:34:00.000-04:00

So, this past Chag of Sukkot we spent with Barry's sister Karen in Elizabeth, NJ. It was a really nice visit and I was so glad we went to them. In the past we have always gone when everyone else would be there -- Tammy and co, and Barry's parents. This time it was just us, two of our girls and Karen and co. It made for a much nicer and easier time. We got to have more "quality" time with one another.

Unfortunately, though, little Rena, who is SO cute, had a cold and cough. And I held her alot. And I came home last night with an absolutely miserable cough. It kind of hit me hard and fast. I was coughing all night long and the coughs were to the point of retching. Finally, after hours of this I was feeling like I could not breathe well. I asked Barry to take me to the hospital. Right before we left I threw up. My stomach had not been bothering me at all, before or after. But the coughing induced the retching and ultimately, the vomiting. I actually felt a little bit better after that but I knew it would come back again. So, off we went to the hospital.

It was a quiet night and I was seen immediately. They gave me two prescriptions: one for Tylenol w/Codeine, and the other for a Z-Pac. The Tw/C was for suppressing the coughs and the Z-pac is an antibiotic for what they say is an infection in my throat. I took the Tw/C while I was in the hospital (they only gave me 1 pill #3). They idd not know that I have a very high tolerance for Codeine due to my having taken it so much in my life. I usually need 2 #3 pills to have any effect.

Barry and I went to the pharm immediately to fill the prescriptions and it was fasted filled prescriptions I had ever had -- after all it was 4:45 AM! I came home and took another Tw/C and the first 2 of the Z-pac. Then I lay down on the couch in the LR (I can stay propped up more easily in the couch than in my bed) and tried to sleep. I think I may have gotten 2 hours of sleep. I am going to try to sleep some more a bit later.

I hate this bronchitis!

Mission Accomplished

2007-09-30T09:01:00.000-04:00

So, in my last post I discussed the difficulties in finding a gown for my daughters' wedding. And it turned out to be that the first gown I had actually seen (online) and had ordered was actually the best one for me! Last week, I took two of my daughters (stepdaughters, actually, but I hate that term!) shopping for outfits to wear for the wedding. We were successful -- R got a cranberry skirt that has a dropped yoke, comes to just below the knees and has a black net overlay with black velvet flocked floral design on it. We got her a black mock wrap top to wear with it and we need only to buy a cranberry shell to wear under that. D got a black satin taffeta skirt with gussetted inverted pleats that are black lace. A black crochet sweater completes it but we need to find a contrasting color long sleeve shell for her to wear under that. And, while we were shopping for them I spied a chocolate brown silk charmeuse gown that had a brown beaded and crocheted sweater overlay. It is a very open crochet and the beads are tiny little copper beads and there are also tiny little copper sequins. There is a beaded fringe on the bottom of the sweater and at the bottoms of the sleeves, which are a 3/4 length. That outfit was marked size 20W -- but there is no way that sweater would fit a 20W!! I threw the sweater on me just to see the fit and it was perfect. I had this idea that it would look fabulous over the new brown gown that I had already purchased. So, I got an extra gown as well -- that is too big for me but I can turn it into a long skirt, if I wish. As I was walking to the cashier to pay for my purchases I passes a section of shelves holding a collection of evening bags. Amongst those evening bags was one covered in chocolate brown silk, with little copper beads and sequins! It was like made for this outfit. So, I purchased that too!

Now, I must backtrack a bit. Just a few days prior to this I had come home from work, and then took off immediately for Bridgewater, NJ -- a little over an hour away. Why? Beccause Y, my machatenus had asked me if I could please pick up a gown for her there. Apparently, a friend of hers has this gown that she really liked and she was going to borrow it from her friend. But, the gown was too big for her. It was taken to a seamstress to be taken in but the seamstress said she would have to take it apart and re do it as it was WAY too big for her. She noticed the tags were still on the gown so she decided to try calling Loehmanns, the store where it came from, to find out if they might still have one in her size (size 6). They were able to locate one in the Bridgewater store. She then asked to purchase it over the phone using her credit card and to have it shipped to her in laws who live in Pennsauken, NJ. Loehmanns refused, as a matter of policy. No matter how much she begged, they refused. So she asked me to go and get it. They would only old it for 24 hours. So, I went and picked it up. Now, you should know that when I saw the gown it set off in me a flurry of insecurity about mine. Why? Because her gown was gold and glitter and really pretty and she is a size 6!! My gown is brown and not glittery or shiny and I am a size 14! Anyway, even though I was feeling insecure about this and was thinking that maybe I will find a different gown, I happened to spy a pair of shoes that I thought would be perfect for my new brown gown. They were a pump style with a peek toe and a rather high heel. But there was a 1/2 inch platform under the ball fo the shoo so it actually was wearable, and comfortable. The shoes have a cushioned innersole. They were rather inexpensive so I purchased them.

Forward to the sweater purchase. When I got home I tried on my gown, over the crinoline, with the new sweater, shoes and bag. It is PERFECT!! All I need now is a pair of earrings.

Mission almost completely accomplished...

Mission Possible, Gown found!

2007-09-07T17:38:00.000-04:00

Mazal Tov! I finally found a gown that I really like. And, I did not break the bank in doing so. I did not even come close! So, the gown I finally decided on is the brown one with the full sweeping skirt, pictured in my last post.

In my last post I left off just before I would be going to a gemach in Fair Lawn. I went, looked, saw nothing. And I would never recommend this gemach to anyone. I nearly threw up when I went in. This house is a pig sty. Enough said. I then went to a gemach in Englewood. This is a nice gemach, with a nice, albeit small selection of nice gowns and dresses. And the person who runs the gemach is very sweet and nice and helpful and REAL. But she did not have anything for me at that time. She would call me the next day, though and tell me she had something and I did go again for a look-see. It was nice and the right style for me but it did not fit me right. This is a really good gemach owner!

Subsequent to that I went to a gemach in Boro Park. This gemach had literally several hundred gowns. The interesting thing about this gemach is that all of the gowns were either made or ordered especially for the gemach. These were not hand me downs, altho there were several of those interspersed throughout. Also, most of these gowns were thick and heavy -- like armor! I really do not understand why, in the name of tznius a gown must be thick and heavy like armor. If a gown covers the collarbone and the elbows and the knees, and is not clingy or sheer -- isn't that good enough? Must it also weigh a ton and protect you from the slings of imaginary arrows? For a woman like myself, who is HOT all the time, these are completely impossible gowns to wear. Needless to say, I had no luck here.

The next day, instead of eating lunch, I visited the "Bridal Building" -- 1385 B'way, NYC. Everyone told me to go there. So, first I researched it: I found their website online and then called them. I was told that for sure I could find MOB gowns there and plenty of them as it is two floors of gown wholesalers who are willing to sell to the general public. So, off I went, expecting to spend some time browsing the hundreds of gowns there. Well, I arrived and went upstairs -- and almost all of the spaces there were EMPTY! There were only four wholesalers still there -- and they had pitiful little to offer. I asked where everyone had gone and was told that there had been a disagreement with the bldg mgmt and thus many had taken flight -- some to Bklyn, some to other places in Manhattan and some to Queens. Crap! I forwent my lunch for that???

Upon returning to my office after that fiasco I decided to call a store in Teaneck that sells gowns -- Mishelyne's. I asked about their hours: 9:30 AM - 6 PM. No late weeknights and no Sundays. Grrr! They cater to NON working women, obviously. Anyway, I snuck out of work early, in the hopes of making it to their shop before they closed. I got there at just after 5:30 PM. They do have a nice selection of gowns and I tried on four. Only one was ok, but I would have to order it in my size and color and it takes at least 12 weeks to arrive and then there are fittings, and I am committed to it. I decided to "think" about it.

I went home and found that two of the gowns that I had ordered from Zaftique that had been backordered had arrived. I eagerly ripped open the box and tried them on. The purple one looked TERRIBLE on me and it was NOT a gown -- it only came to my mid calf. The brown one, mentioned above, looked nice. But it needed a little something, it was kind of plain.

So, I played around with it. I put on a crinoline under it (a moderate A line crinoline, not very poufy, just enough to give the skirt a little flare). That was better. But, it needed more. I took it off—and put it on again: this time over SPANX (support underwear), a really good bra, and a slightly sheer brown long sleeve top to make it more tznius, and the crinoline. Ok, it was getting better. Then I found this brown, slightly iridescent crocheted oblong lace scarf/shawl that I had and played with it. I finally draped it in such a way that from the front it looks like a lacy jacket and from the back a u shaped drape. I put on a brooch and voila, I had a beautiful gown. Of course the scarf will need to be sewn into place. It really looks nice. And it is VERY comfortable. And it is very ME. And, it only cost me $139!!! (Not including the crinoline or the sewing of the scarf onto the dress).

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Mission Impossible: buy a machatenista gown!

2007-09-02T18:00:00.000-04:00

So, today I spent the day with my mother "shopping" for a gown to wear to my daughter's wedding. This was not my first foray into the world of gown shopping. First, a few things to understand: my choices are very limited: limited by my size and shape, limited by my budget, and limited by the constraints of tzniyus: The gown must not show any cleavage, it must come to the neck, it must have sleeves and the sleeve length must be at least 3/4 length, it cannot be backless, it cannot be see-through, it cannot have high leg baring slits. Additionally, I had hoped to purchase a gown in the color champagne or gold. So...limited we are.

I began my gown search, on the internet. With my limited time and resources I thought this might be a good way to find a nice gown. I began, first, on eBay. It so happens that I do most of my clothing shopping on eBay anyway and so am a seasoned, veteran "eBayer". I know how to shop that way. Unfortunately, what I want or need has not been available -- certainly not meeting all the criteria listed above.

Then, I started looking at the online "stores" selling gowns. I found a few options that seemed do-able - at least via the pictures. The first gown I saw that I really liked was this one:

The color is champagne and even though it was not perfectly tzniyus I figured a good seamstress could fix that for me. It was also quite reasonably priced at $250. So, I placed the order. It arrived and I tried it on. Basically, it fit me, although it would have needed some nipping and tucking in the chest area, and of course a lining at the top to make it tzniyus. It looked good from the front and from the rear, but from the sides it looked AWFUL. So, I returned it.

Then I decided to peruse the gowns that were available at the place where Chloe bought her wedding gown. These are really not the kind of gowns that I normally go for. However, there were three that I thought were possibilities. They have been backordered since I placed the order, but I learned this past Thursday that 2 of them became available and had shipped. I expect to get them on Tuesday. The three of those gowns are:

This gown, the brown one with the full sweeping skirt is my favorite of these three -- at least in the pictures. I will not know how any of them look on me until I receive them.

I also discovered http://www.rkbridal.com/ and actually visitied their "showroom/warehouse" in the city. It is really conveniently located one block away from the Port Authority. I had hoped to see a very specific gown when I went there but they did not have it in stock. I can order it but if I do, I am committed to it. I find that really odd, to be honest. This is a stock design, in a stock fabric, in a stock color, in a standard size. It is not custom made in the least. That I have to commit to it in order for them to order it for me, is BS, as far as I am concerned. However, here is a picture of that gown:

As you can see, this gown is perfect in that it meets much of my criteria: it is 100% tzniyus without having to have a seamstress make it that way. The downside to it is that it is only available in three colors: Cranberry (shown), Brown (rich dark chocolate brown), or Silver Blue (a pale icy periwinkle color). I sent a copy of this picture to my machatenus and asked for her input. I thought it might be too dressy. However she said it was not too dressy, it is beautiful and she suggested the cranberry as being the best color to buy.

The thing is I have to order it without having tried it on -- so that makes me a bit nervous. Also, it takes 12-14 weeks to get it -- and I am so much more into immediate gratification!

Thus, before I actually order it I must see the gowns from Zaftique (the three above pictured ones, plus I must investigate the gemachs in my area (Monsey, Teaneck, Fair Lawn). To that end, I went to gemachs in Monsey with my mother. Most of the gemachs we went to had very little in my size, my color, or my budget. Only one, actually had a good selection of gowns, albeit not in the color I wanted. This was the last gemach I went to. It turned out that the woman who runs that gemach is the sister of someone I know who lives in Teaneck! Anyway, I tried on about 8 different gowns there. Most of the gowns looked awful on me. One of the gowns was an Alex Evenings gown that has the feel of a Spencer Alexis outfit -- very romantic and vintage-y style. And, it was champagne. But it just looked ho hum on me. Another gown, one that I really liked was a burgundy/black gown, with a high empire waist. It was a burgundy underdress with a sheer black overdress. It was a loose empire style with a high v-neck. I really liked it, it was comfortable. and would have needed minimal alterations. It was $400 as is the dress from RKBridal. But my mother feels it is not an appropriate dress for a machatenista. It is too "young" looking. She hated it. So, for now, I have deferred to her -- but I might change my mind, we shall see. The last gown I tried on was really way out of my price range but we kept coming back to it as a really perfect gown for me so I decided to just put it on to see how it looks. It was a sort of muted lilac underdress, with a sheer navy overdress, with gunmetal beads from the neck to the toes, fully beaded with long sleeves. Despite being so heavily beaded, it was not a heavy dress. I slipped it on and it was PERFECT for me. It needed minimal alterations (nip and tuck in breast area, and slight shortening). BUT....it was priced at $1100!!! How nice it would be to be wealthy...

So, now, tonight, I am going to go to Fair Lawn to look at some more gowns at a gemach there. I will report later on that experience.

Shabbat Higiyah!

2007-08-31T18:57:00.000-04:00

It is now Erev Shabbat. I was really looking forward to a nice QUIET Shabbat, but I am a little nervous too. We have not seen most of our friends and shulmates for most of the summer. This is actually very usual for us since we go upstate every Shabbat in the summer. And this past summer was NUTTY!

We began the summer with going to Israel during the last week of June for two weeks. We went to see our brand new granddaughter, Chaya Leah. She is the first one! And, she is SO cute.

Here are some pictures of her:

We also took care of her while her mommy went back to school to finish out for the year and take her finals. While we were there, I made Shabbat both Shabbatot we were there, and made a kiddush for al ltheir friends. Also, while we were there, Chloe announced her engagement to Jonathan -- and so we made an engagement party for them as well. So, while it was a nice visit, it was certainly not a relaxing visit. At one point I was supremely annoyed: the floor in their apt was filthy so Barry took it upon himself to clean it. He actually was down on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor. And Gedaliah just sat there watching him. That made my blood boil! He should have, at the very least, been helping him!

Anyway, after 2 weeks there, we returned to the States. A half a week later, my brother and his family (5 kids) descended from LA. Then, a week after that Chloe came. Then, a half a week after that, my sister and her family (4 kids) arrived from Israel. Chloe's new in-laws to be were also here in the States. We decided to make a kiddush in honor of the engagement and I had everyone over by me for that Shabbat: four of our girls, a couple of their friends, my parents, Chloe's in laws to be and three of their kids, Joel and his family, Phyllis and her family, and friends of ours, the Cottrells. Then, the Sunday following that Shabbat we made the 5oth Anniv party for my parents, and had about 100 people there. After the party, people began to leave. In the midst of all this, though it was discovered that one of my sisters kids had head lice. And so I had to do laundry, strip the beds, spray everything, do head checks, comb outs, etc. -- and I certainly did not need all this extra work at this time. First my brother and his family left, and then Phyllis and her family left and then Zahava left to go to Israel for her Shana B'Aretz. Then, Tzippy and Gedaliah came in with the baby and they were here for 2 weeks. Chloe left a week and a half after they came here. Now, they are also gone and Rivky left for Johns Hopkins this morning. The only one left is Devorah. And I expect things to settle down now.

Have to go light candles.

Shabbat Shalom.

R & R, Goodbyes

2007-08-26T21:05:00.000-04:00

This past Shabbat was the most relaxing Shabbat I have had in months. We went up to the mountains, just Barry and me. Initially, during the week, planning for the weekend I was a little bit sad, hurt, and even angry. I was upset because we had not had the opportunity to really have Tzippy and Gedaliah over to our house. Oh, yes, they SLEPT here for two nights, but that was it. The first night they went out to dinner with a friend of Gedaliah's and the second night they went to Sheva Brachot -- which just happened to be held at Tzippy's mom's house (and ostensibly, it was a "kids only" Sheva Brachot, so we had not been invited). When Talia heard (from Chloe) that I was feeling "left out" she invited us but I declined because I felt funny about it. Anyway, this past Shabbat Tzippy and Gedaliah were with Naomi and David. They did spend the prior Shabbat with us, but it was up in the mountains and thats really being with Barry's parents. Additionally, Gedaliah's mom and grandma and sis in law stayed by Naomi as well. And, furthermore, I heard that Peggy and Art Cottrell had been invited for Shabbat lunch. I kind of thought that Naomi should have at the very least asked us if we would like to join them for dessert, after lunch. She did not do that and I toyed with the idea of pushing it on her. But then, I realized that Barry did not really want that so we decided to forget about that and simply go upstate.

The biggest plus to going upstate was that his sister Karen and her family would be there too and we would thus be able to finally meet little Rena Bracha, the newest addition to our family. She is so tiny and so cute. I love holding her. I love holding Chaya Leah also, which I did as much as I could this afternoon.

At the bungalow colony, it was VERY HOT and HUMID on Shabbat. I spent almost the whole day just sitting in a lounge chair, in the shade of a tree, reading, napping, schmoozing, and only getting up when I needed a drink or to use the bathroom. I did not walk around, or be social, except with my own family. I read a whole book, cover to cover: "Sons of Fortune" by Jeffrey Archer. It is a novel about twin brothers who are separated at birth, and what happens over the course of their lives and how they intersect. It was very well written and kept me "on the edge of my seat". I highly recommend it. When Shabbat was over we watched a movie, "The Prestige". This too, was an excellent and interesting film. It is the story of two magicians and their rivalry with one another. I recommend this as well.

We left early this morning to get home with enough time to prepare a BBQ buffet for everyone: Tzippy and Gedaliah and Chaya, Karen and co., Naomi and David, Devorah and Ethan, and Rivky. We served hotdogs, hamburgers, wings, and even turkey steaks. All supplemented by salsa, chips, guacamole, a large selection of condiments, corn on the cob, baked beans, sauerkraut, and veggie kabobs. Gedaliah was def appreciative, since he does not get this much nor this good meat in Israel. It is either too expensive or simply not available.

A good time was had by all.

Lirkod

2007-08-17T15:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, so now, about the dance thing. I love to dance. I have ALWAYS loved to dance. Even though I am HOH and use HA's, I have always been able to pick out a beat and move my body to it. So, as young child I recognized that. And so I asked my mom to allow me to take dance lessons. Response? I was given a Baton and sent to learn to twirl a baton. Ugh. (Although that would be the closest I would ever come to dance lessons...). Again, I continued to ask for dance lessons. Response? I was given a violin and sent for violin lessons. Ugh #2. Again, I continued to ask for dance lessons. Response? My parents bought an old upright piano and brought in some old geezer to give me piano lessons. Ugh #3. (It was nuts, I mean, I can pick up the beat but I cannot for the life of me pick out notes!!!). Again, I continued to ask for dance lessons. Response? My parents bought me a cheap guitar and had it re-strung so I could learn to play it left handedly, and sent me for lessons at some weirdo's house. Ugh #4. (I still couldn't pick out notes so forget playing by ear!!!) But I could dance.

When I was in HS, a teacher of mine, who had a daughter my age, opened up a folk dancing "club" as an after school activity. I joined it and I LOVED it -- and then I turned my ankle hard and thus was unable to complete the year out in the club -- and then it fell apart. I also remember having attended a few school dances, and being surrounded by all the black kids who wanted to learn my moves. I was a white chick with rhythm!!!

It was not until years later that I was able to claim my dance personality. At age 21, began going to Folk Dance nights in Woodstock. I learned Bulgarian, Turkish, Greek, Yugoslavian, Israeli dances and I LOVED it. A few years after that I took a class in belly dancing. Then I learned Contra and Square Dancing, and then Swing Dancing (Lindy, Jitterbug, Rockabilly, West Coast Swing and more), then other ballroom dances, and then Cajun and Zydeco Dancing. I also learned a basic Western Two Step. Finally, I began attending West African Dance classes given by Carol Dowd at the Mountain View Studio in Woodstock, NY. I was good at all the dances I attempted. I even gave some performances with other friends of mine who also danced. It was a heady time for me back then. I was so active -- I danced several nights most weeks, worked out at gym a few days a week, went on long, strenuous hikes, swam, and even my job was physically demanding.

Eventually, the activity took its toll on me. It caused my arthritis to flare up at a young age. I had no chance to avoid it -- all my grandparents have it and my father as well. Then, in 1996 I slipped on a freshly waxed floor at my place of employment. There were no warning signs or stanchions, so I did not know the floor was wet with wax. I went flying and landed on my lower back. It took me about a year to "recover" -- but to this day I occasionally feel blips of discomfort or pain in my lower back. Most of that is due to arthritis and damp, cold weather exacerbating it (when I go upstate to the mountains for a weekend).

After my back injury almost all my activity stopped. I was no longer able to do all that I used to and I have never ever gotten back to that level of activity. My arthritis got worse, I got older, and I gained weight. I still love to dance but if I spend one night dancing I will be in pain all the next day (knees and hips, mostly).

So, basically, that's my dance story...

Beit Sefer Tichon

2007-08-17T08:32:00.000-04:00

So, I DID say I would write about High School. The problem is, there is not too much to write. I coasted through high school without ever really learning anything. I remained active in my shul youth group. I remained a social outcast.

Ok, a few things.

I became close friends with Rose Blas. Rose was actually two years younger than me, and we would only share one year together in high school at the same time. We became friends, really, because she totally looked up to me. She loved the way I dressed and she wanted to learn from me how to dress well. She also thought I was cool (little did she know) and it was cool simply having a close friend who was 'older'. We used to go shopping together all the time. Shopping is not actually correct...Window Shopping is more like it. We drove the salespeople nuts. We would descend on a store and proceed to try on half the store. And we always left the dressing rooms a mess. This was before big box retailing -- each store was small, locally owned, and security measures to prevent shoplifting had not yet changed the face of retailing.

She and I also attended TLS together. TLS stands for Torah Leadership Seminar. These were usually 3-4 day seminars, over Shabbat, organized and run by Yeshiva University. TLS was designed to introduce non-relgious young Jews to religious Judaism and Shabbat. In truth, they were brainwashing sessions: we were kept up and got little to no sleep, we were kept in a state of hyperactivity -- roused to "spiritual excitement" with constant singing and emotional stories, etc., fed awful food so we barely ate -- all the while being bombarded with how wonderful it is to be religious and to keep Kosher and to keep Shabbat. Well -- it worked. Many students who attended these TLS events, are today, religious Jews. (A sort of outgrowth of this type of kiruv [outreach] has been the establishment of the organization NJOP -- National Jewish Outreach Program.)

I remember, I had already attended one TLS event and loved it and had convinced Rose that she would also enjoy it. She asked her parents if she could go and her father, who ran a little dictatorship in his household said no. I think his main objection was the cost. So, she asked me to convince him. So, I, at age 15, was to convince a grown man, a father and businessman, to allow his 13 year old daughter to attend TLS with me, and to spend about $118 dollars in doing so. I went to her house to speak with him. His main objection (at least what he told me) was that he did not believe that we wanted to go to TLS because we wanted to learn about our Jewish heritage. He believed that the real reason we wanted to go was because there were cute boys there -- and we were boy crazy! My response? "Ok, so, what if that is true? What if the real reason we want to go is because there are cute boys there? At least they are Jewish. We will be meeting and socializing with Jewish boys. Isn't that preferable to meeting and socializing with non - Jewish boys?" * He told me he liked my "shpiel" (sales pitch)-- and he let Rose attend TLS with me.

I also sort of introduced dance to Rose. In truth, Rose had always been a dancer. She had taken ballet lessons, tap dance lessons, and Jazz lessons. I had never taken any of those lessons (more about that in another entry). But I had a good feel for rhythm and in my last year of HS would go to disco's and dance clubs with a friend of mine, Lou Kogon. He taught me how to hustle and I loved it. Then, toward the end of my last year in HS, which would also be my last year in USY, we had a "senior" USY dance for all the outgoing members. I invited Rose to attend and also my friend Lou, who was a year older and had been an outgoing member in the prior year. Well, the band started up and Lou and I took to the floor. Now, bear in mind, I was still a social outcast, in spite of being active in the group and on the board of the group. No one at this event had ever seen me dance. When Lou and I began dancing, everyone else stopped. We were that good. We danced three dances like that. At the end of the third dance, we stopped and all of a sudden I was mobbed! Rose especially was entranced and said that she had no idea I could dance like that. Rose and I and Lou left the dance after that. Later, my mother (who had been there as a chaperone and witnessed the whole thing) would tell me how great it was and that everyone was watching me with their mouths open -- they could not believe that this person who was the social outcast, who could not hear, could dance like that. And when I left, I left them all with this amazing picture in their mind of me and who I was -- that they would never forget! It was great for me!

Rose and I remained close friends throughout most of my high school years. In my last year of high school, I began to change a bit, and Rose also knew that I would be leaving for Israel after HS -- and we began pulling away from each other a bit. We were still friends, but we shared less than we had in the past.

After I left HS, and went to Israel, Rose sort of picked up where I left off. She became friends with Carlos Roncancio. He was also a dancer and she and Carlos began going to disco's and dance clubs. This was against her father's wishes. One night she and Carlos were to compete in a dance contest at one of the clubs. She snuck out of the house, and went to the club with Carlos and his sister Anna. They danced in the contest and they won. In the meantime, her parents discovered her missing and her sister, JoEllen told them where she was. So, they called the club, and asked that they hold her there. However, the club realized that they were underage and instead simply warned Rose and Carlos and Anna that Rose's parents were on their way over. So they left the club. Rose's parents went to the club but it took a really long time to get there due to a terrible car accident that had occurred. They passed the accident on the way there. Of course, when they got to the club, Rose and her friends wee gone. So, they went home, passing this accident again. Upon returning home they learned the horrible news that Rose and her boyfriends sistter Anna, had been killed in a car accident -- the very same one which they had twice passed.

I was in Israel during all this and had no idea of any of this. My parents were afraid to tell me, lest I demand to come home for the funeral -- and they really could not afford that. So, they did not tell me. I learned later, that hundreds of people attended Rose's funeral. The driver who killed her and Anna, had been drunk, the son of a well respected local doctor. He did no jail time, nor were any major fines levied. This was in 1979, long before DWI became treated as a real crime.

A week after Rose's funeral, her father went into the hospital for some routine surgery, I think something to do with a hernia. My mother went to visit him and she could see that he was depressed. He said he was worried about the surgery but my mother who knew about it explained how it was routine and what they would do and that he would be fine. Sy (that was his name) died on the operating table. My mother was the last non medical person to see him alive.

To this day, I cannot fathom the depths of misery that Mildred, Rose's mother must have felt, to bury her husband one week after having buried a child! How awful that must have been.

When I returned to the States from Israel, about two manths after all this had happened, it took my parents almost two weeks before they sat me down to tell me what had occurred in my absence. I was devastated. It took me several months before I felt I could go see Mildred.

Ok, I am sorry for the maudlin story. Life goes on, and so life went on.

More later...

* A word of explanation to non Jews: This was not considered discrimination or prejudice, at least not in a negative way. For religious and traditional Jews there is a strong desire and established law (for those who follow it) that we are to marry only Jews. Thus, Jewish parents, even those who were not religious back then, want their children to meet other Jewish peers. This pull is not as strong among non religious Jews today as it was back then.

Sephard? Ivrit!

2007-08-16T23:20:00.000-04:00

Upon entering ninth grade each student had to select a foreign language to learn. Three were offered: Spanish, French, and German. I selected Spanish.

My Spanish teacher was Senor Benedict. He had a very heavy Spanish accent, spoke through his nose, had a raspy voice, and constantly covered his mouth while speaking. Of course, this was definitely not conducive to my learning. As a result, my grades in Spanish class were dismal.

My counselor at school asked my parents to come in for a conference. I remember my counselor: he was very effeminate, and wore an awful hairpiece. I was also present for the conference. The subject of the meeting: my Spanish class grades. My Spanish teacher was also present.

Senor Benedict told my parents that "Shelly does not have a hearing problem -- she just does not pay attention in class nor does she do any studying..." Of course, my parents did not take too kindly to his belittling of my disability. The fact that he covered his mouth and that he mumbled alot was of no consequence according to him!

Anyway, it was finally decided (with my parents not in agreement...) that I could never learn a foreign language and thus the requirement for a foreign language in order to matriculate with a NYS Regents diploma would be waived. And so...I did not learn any foreign language while I was in HS.

Later, several years later, I would spectacularly prove them wrong about me! Keep reading...

I will jump ahead to after I graduated HS and I went to Israel. I will return, later, to my HS years, but for now, this story is too good to leave until later.

After HS, I went to Israel for a year on a program called Hachshara, run by an organization -- Bnei Akiva. It was a program in which we would spend a year on a kibbutz in Israel, learning about Kibbutz life, Israel, and other religious studies as well.

For the first month we were there we stayed at Bar Ilan University and participated in ulpan - and intensive study of the Hebrew language. It was only for one month so I did not progress too much. I then went to stay on Kibbutz Yavne with a large group of other American students. Now, the majority of those students all had much stronger religious education backgrounds than I had -- most had attended either Yeshivot or Hebrew Day Schools. Additionally, they were able to learn the language passively, simply by overhearing. I could not do that -- I had to learn actively and there were no lessons being given on the kibbutz.

Furthermore, I had an idiot for a madrich (counselor). He told me that because I could not hear, I could never be a teacher, I could never do this or do that, etc. Now, my parents had raised me to believe that I could do anything, should I set my mind to do so -- what he was telling me was so completely new and unheard of to me! And I really did not believe him. But I knew I needed to get away from him and that I needed to learn Hebrew.

I learned, through some other students also on the program, who also needed to learn Hebrew, that a new ulpan was starting up at a different Kibbutz, up north in Bet Shean. It was to be at Kibbutz Shluchot, which was also a Dati (religious) Kibbutz. They were going to go there and I decided that I, too, wanted to go. So, I arranged a day off from my work at Kibbutz Yavne, and went into Tel Aviv to the offices of the Jewish Agency and I arranged to also attend this new ulpan on Kibbutz Shluchot. They took the monies that my parents had paid to Bnei Akiva to pay for that.

The next day I called my parents. Now, you have to remember: this was in 1977 -- there was no internet, no email, or instant messaging, and no cell phones. I had to use a pay phone, with ASIMONIM (Israeli phone tokens), and a long distance call back then was VERY expensive. This call would be one of only 4 calls I made overseas in two years!!! Anyway, I called my parents to let them know what I was doing. My mothers' response was funny. She said, " Well, Rachel, I do not know what to tell you to do. You are there and we are here". To which I replied, "I am not asking you what to do, I am telling you this is what I am doing". There was SILENCE on the other end of the line!! And then my mother recovered and wished me the best.

It was the best decision I could have made. I attended that ulpan for nine months. I became and excellent speaker of the Hebrew language. I spoke so well, that I was frequently mistaken for an Israeli, not an American! At the end of the nine months, I returned to Kibbutz Yavne to visit. I spoke with the idiot Madrich. I spoke Hebrew with him, but he kept responding in English. And that bothered me so I asked him to please speak Hebrew with me.

Then, I went back to the States -- for a short visit. I had decided to return to Israel for a Shana Bet (second year). However, while I was back in the States, I went back to my Alma Mater HS...and asked to be allowed to take the four year Hebrew Regents exam. At first I was told I could not, that I should have done that while I was still in HS. I fought that because I explained that my not having learned a foreign language in HS was not my choice-- it was forced on me. So then, they agreed, but said it would be impossible to do it because they had no teachers who spoke Hebrew to administer the exam. I then introduced them to a woman, Tami Bernat. Ms. Bernat happened to be an Israeli, living in Kingston, NY, who was a Hebrew linguist!!! She could administer the exam for me. Then, the school argued that a four year Hebrew exam would be too hard for me as I had only been in Israel for one year and maybe I should just take the two year Hebrew Regents exam. But I said no, I wanted to take the four year Hebrew Regents exam. And so I did. I finished with a grade in the high 90's. Ms. Bernat was so impressed with me -- she said that she could see that I "thought" in Hebrew -- which was absolutely true. And so, in this way, I thumbed my nose at both the idiot counselor I had in ninth grade and the idiot counselor I had on Kibbutz Yavne...Ani M'daberet Ivrit Metsuyenet!!!

Chazara

2007-08-13T21:58:00.000-04:00

Backtrack a bit: to where I discuss speech therapy. There was a key player in this scenario that I forgot to mention: my mother. Apperently, she spent HOURS working with me at home on speech therapy -- speaking, reading, understanding. She tells me that in the beginning, I could not make the connection between the letters and sounds I was learning and reading. She would repeat with me over and over again:
c - a - t , c - a - t , c - a - t , c - a - t , until finally I made the connection between the three sounds of c - a - t , and read it as cat. From then on, she tells me, I read like wildfire. I couldn't, wouldn't stop. I guess that is sort of like the story of Helen Keller when she finally understood that the fingershapes and movements that Annie Sullivan was making was COMMUNICATION.

BTW, I work for American Friends of Shalva, a fundraising office that raises money for Shalva, a non profit organization in Israel that helps disabled children. Shalva came into being due to the story of Yossi.

Ok,, that was just an aside. My story continues...

I remember in second grade was when it began to become apparent that I was not keeping up with my classmates. My parents began having meetings with my teacher to try and understand what the problem was. No one really understood. The fact that I could NOT HEAR was masked by my SEEMINGLY ableness -- I "passed" for hearing, I spoke really well, it was hard for anyone to believe that I really was disabled.

The interesting thing though, is that I was never held back, nor given remedial help, or placed in special classes. Everyone, teachers, and parents, recognized the truth about my intelligence: I was very definitely intelligent. But I did not do particualry well in school -- I was passed from grade to grade because they did not really know what to do with me otherwise. My grades were not POOR, just very middling, and not indicative of my intelligence.

In the meantime my social awkwardness continued. I felt very left out, I hated being teased. I was lumped with the other "rejects" in my school when it came time for recess. And most of those rejects, really had learning problems. Several were retarded (the word we used back then, not learning disabled), or had other deficits that were much more serious than mine -- and NONE of them were my intellectual equal. I HATED being forced to socialize with these kids. I was so superior to them and I knew it and I let them know it.

This is how most of my schooling through elementary school passed. Then I entered Junior High School (grade 7 through 9). Was I ever shocked. I had been quite sheltered, and was very naive. In Jr. High I encountered kids smoking cigarettes for the first time. I encountered kids smoking dope, drinking, and having sex. Some girls got pregnant - -and came to school pregnant! Now kids were outright mean and nasty -- and scary.

It was common for kids to beat one another up. I stayed away from most of this. I did not smoke (anything) or drink or have sex. For one thing, it was something that BAD kids did, and for another no one would have accepted me into their little clique-y groups anyway. I was STILL a reject. Boys made fun of me, girls laughed at me, others ignored me, even teachers were stupid to me. (Wth the exception of all my English teachers, and one really excellent math teacher).

Then, in the summer before I entered ninth grade I discovered CLOTHING, Fashion, Jewelry, Make-Up, Shopping, Fashion magazines. I became a fiend for fashion. I was a real clothes horse, I was skinny and EVERYTHING I put on looked good on me. I got a great haircut and began dressing really nicely for school. It was in this year that the amount of ostracism I felt lessened a bit. It was a BAD lesson. My self esteem now centered around my appearance.

I badgered my parents to buy me this, buy me that, I had to have the latest fashions. I also had expensive taste. It was said that I dressed as if my father OWNED IBM, was not just an employee. I was spoiled. My husband tells me my parents did it out of guilt for my disability. Maybe...I am not so sure.

It was also around this time that I was becoming even more active in my shul's youth group, USY (United Synagogue Youth, a Conservative movement youth group). Even within this group I was ostracized somewhat. But it did not discourage me. I just kept being myself -- needy, greedy, and wearing my heart on my sleeve. (I still do that last bit...).

I was an 'upstart' in the group. For instance, one evening we went out in a group event, roller skating. After the skating, the group went to a pizza place and ordered pizza. The pizza place was not kosher -- there were (and still are) NO kosher establishments in Kingston, NY and surrounding areas. I did not go for pizza. At the next USY meeting I brought this up. Is so happened that the Rabbi of our shul was attending our meeting. I brought it up saying that it was wrong, the charter of USY is the Charter of the Conservative shul and eating in a non Kosher establishment was not accepted, and thus wrong. Or course, I was the ONLY member who felt this way. In fact, I was attacked: after all, I do not keep Kosher at home, how dare I attack this. My response to that was that what I did at home, what I did in my private life has nothing whatsoever to do with what we do as a USY group. The Rabbi backed me up -- he stopped the argument and simply ruled that we cannot eat out in a Kosher establishment as a USY group. That certainly didn't earn me happy acceptance by my peers!!

Another for instance: a community (Jewish community) panel discussion was to occur. The subject: why our youth is not going to shul. Who was on the panel: The three local Rabbi's: Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, the two youth group presidents: Conservative, Reform, The thre shul presidents, plus two teachers (in the public school system).
The panel commenced. Each person on the panel put forth his/her "theory" about the reasons why the youth were not attending services in shul. Now, a word about me: I went to shul EVERY Friday night and most Saturday mornings. I was actively involved in my shuls' youth group, and I participated often in community wide Jewish events. I knew almost all the Jews in my community and if I did not know them personally, I knew who they were. Each of the Rabbi's spoke in politically correct and diplomatic terms. I did not expect to hear a real theory from any of them. Each of the other members of the panel postulated all sorts of stupid reasons. After each member of the panel had their say, the discussion was opened to the public in attendance. My hand shot up. I could not WAIT to speak. Finally, I was called on. I stood, took a deep breath and spoke. And here is what I said:

"Why do the youth (meaning my peers) not come to shul to pray? Well, let me tell you: it is NOT because services are boring. It is not because services are only for old men. It is because YOU (and I am not including the Rabbi's on the panel) do not come! Why should your children come if YOU do not come? Listen, I come to shul every Friday night and I am here most Shabbat mornings. Where are you, Mr. President of my shul? I never see you. And you, Mr. President of my USY-- I never see YOU. What right have you to sit there and pass judgement on us, on the youth when you yourselves do not come to shul? And you, Mr. Teacher and Mrs. Teacher? Do you know, I had NO IDEA either of you were Jewish? I see you in school but I have NEVER seen either of you at any Jewish community event! I think it is extremely hypocritical of you to sit there and discuss reasons why the youth do not attend shul. Cliche as it may sound, children DO learn what they live. My parents come to shul, therefore I come to shul. That;s all I have to say..."

And then I sat down. Well....chaos erupted. Everyone was shouting, everyone yelling -- they had to terminate the discussion. When I arrived home that night our phone was ringing off the hook. People calling my parents to exclaim about how I was so strong in my beliefs!!

It was fun!!! I sort of wish I could do stuff like that again. Kids can get away with what adults cannot.

Layla Tov.

Kitah Aleph

2007-08-10T15:56:00.000-04:00

So, now I was in First Grade, in a "normal" class. Was it the best option for me? I don't know. I was seated in the front and the teacher was told to always look at me when speaking to me. She had to be facing me when speaking to the class. Did she hold to that? My memory says no.

Several years ago, I was having a discussion with my mom about something, I do not remember exactly what but the subject of my hearing and being in school must have come up. And, my mom made the statement that I used to turn my hearing aids off in school when I did not want to hear the teacher! I was so shocked by that. I told her that I NEVER did that. Apparently, my teacher must have had difficulty reaching me. I know now, that hearing is not a passive activity for me. It MUST be active. Active listening is tiring. When one does not hear, it is easy to "tune out" the world and go off into lala land. I can imagine now, the teacher calling my name and me not responding. She must have assumed I had turned my hearing aids off, though why she would assume this I have no idea. It is possible too that the batteries were dying or dead -- and I may not have been aware. Awareness of these kinds of things came slowly to me. My teacher must have told my mom that I turned off my hearing aids. And my mom must have believed her. In retrospect, I feel betrayed - my mom was a traitor. She believed the teacher!!!

Initially, I did well in school but quickly fell behind. Quite honestly, I barely remember ever bringing homework home to do. I think I simply missed out on the instructions. My grades would suffer. First grade was not so bad. It was in later grades that my lack of academic success became more noticeable.

Socially, I was an outcast. I was needy, loud, and probably seemed bossy. I must have been socially inappropriate. I missed all the nuances of socializing, I could not overhear things, I did not learn the rumors, or the whispered communications. I could not hear someone calling me from a distance. If I was not quick enough to respond to another kid calling me or asking me to do something, I must have appeared dumb, retarded, slow.

I was teased. Called names. My mom tried to help me. She told me that STUPID ditty: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never harm me." To that I say BULLSHIT. Language is very powerful. Names can hurt. Names can stick. Names can affect a persons self esteem.

Ok, enough ranting. I have to go now. I will continue with my story at a later date.

Shabbat Shalom!

Bereishit

2007-08-09T22:01:00.000-04:00

Bereishit, in the beginning. I was born on September 11, 1959, in Kingston, NY. Kingston was the original capital of New York State. September 11, in 1959 had no meaning to anyone other than it was just another date in the year. It gained infamy years later, when the Twin Towers were taken down by Homicide Bombers.

My parents, of course were overjoyed at my arrival. My father had never seen such a small baby and he was worried. He said my tushy was so tiny. He shouldn't have worried so much -- I have WAY more than made up for that now!

Life was basically uneventful for me. Until I was nearly four years old. It was then my mother realized that my speech was not improving as it should have been and she noticed that I did not seem to hear her if I was in another room or if she was behind me. She must have been scared. She took me to several doctors. The doctors pronounced me healthy, nothing was wrong with me. She thought she must be a neurotic mother. She wondered what was she doing to me, was she going to make me crazy? Was she a crazy mother?

But my mother's intuition that something was wrong was too strong. She took me to see a specialist. His name was Dr. John K. Duffy. He was actually a rather well known doctor and he did many wonderful things. I came to love him. He diagnosed me correctly and referred us to the CP (Cerebral Palsy) Center in Kingston, NY. Back then the CP center (now known as the Community Rehabilitation Center) was just a hole in the wall in a building mostly occupied by the Kingston Police Department. At the CP center I was fitted for my first pair of hearing aids, bulky behind the ear hearing aids by Beltone. (Note: the link to the picture is just an approximation of what I had. The hearing aid in the picture is slimmer and shorter than what I had -- and I was just four years old when I had them!)

I actually have no memory of being fitted for hearing aids. I do not remember the first time I had them put on me. And I never really realized that, or thought about it, until I read Michael Chorost's book, "Rebuilt". In his book he describes his first time wearing hearing aids: he does not remember it. And he thought, as I do as well, that one would think that a person having existed with the absence of sound, that when one finally does hear sound that it would be as if suddenly the light went on. It should have been a memorable moment in his life, in my life -- but it was not. Neither of us have any memory of this.

To be sure, I do remember the audiological evaluations, the bulky headphones I was to wear during testing, the soundproof rooms, the colored blocks I was supposed to hold up whenever I heard a sound, repeating words and phrases for the audiologist. My audiologist was also my speech therapist. Her name was Wanda Lee. Wanda was so good to me. I remember her as a round soft overweight woman, who was alway smiling, always warm and friendly to me. Under the supervision of Dr. Duffy she provided for me speech therapy using ITA (Initial Teaching Alphabet).

In the beginning I went 5 days a week for a year for speech therapy. The following year, I went four days a week for a year, and the following year I went three days a week, and so on until after five years, I was "finished". By then I was just finishing third grade. Going to the CP center exposed me to other children with other kinds of disabilities, mostly motor disabilities. But I never felt I was one of them. To me, they were the oddities, and I was normal.

When I entered Kindergarten, it was thought that I should not be placed in the reading program because it was feared that it would confuse me because I was learning to both read and speak using ITA. When my Kindergarten year was over, the school wanted to place me in a special education class. But my parents consulted with Dr. Duffy about it and he said absolutely NOT. He wanted me in the regular classes. There was nothing wrong with my intelligence. And so, I was placed in regular classes in a public school.

Now, this was only possible because it was 1964. Had it been many years later, my parents would have had to become my advocates, hire a lawyer and fight the school system to "allow" me to be "mainstreamed". The term mainstream, while it certainly existed in 1964, did not have the charged meaning it now has when referring to students who have any kind of disability. In this instance, I actually benefitted from the fact that schools still did not know enough about my kind of disability to have in place a "special" program. Michael Chorost did not have that experience. He went to a school for the Deaf and when he was in a public school he was in a special class.

Upon entering first grade, the teachers did not know what my reading ability was. So, they stuck me in the slowest, lowest level reading group. After class that day it was obvious that was not appropriate for me so they moved me up a level the next day. The next day it was clear that even that was not appropriate for me so they moved me up a level the following day. This repeated it self again the next day until I was finally placed in the high honors reading group. Their initial placement of me is certainly indicative of their assumed correlation between deafness and intelligence! In fact, I exceeded all the other readers in the high honors group and thus was sent downstairs to my former kindergarten class to read a story to the children. My former kindergarten teacher was so moved that she called my mother later and tearfully told her that she never expected me to be able to do that!

(More later...)

Barucha Haba'ah

2007-08-09T21:52:00.000-04:00

I am not so sure about this blog. Not sure I will keep it up. I am SO busy with my life. But I will give this a game try.

So...

Here I am.

47 years old. 48 on September 11...yah, great date. (WHY did they have to do that on my birthday? WHY did they do it at all???)

Ok -- let's see. I am writing this because I decided, only about a week ago, that I should seriously look into the possiblity of getting a cochlear implant. I knew NOTHING about CI as they are referred to by those who use them. I did not even know they were called CI.

I am writing this both for myself, and for others. I am not so sure my life is so interesting to others -- I would like to think so, but that's just ego. I am not a particularly good writer, but I am fluent in English so at least what I write will be readable.

To the beginning - with a new post. Read "In the beginning..."